Common Christmas family arguments and how to avoid them
Accept our free video guide to more harmony at home as our gift to you.
Christmas family gatherings: more trepidation than celebration?
The festive season is one that many of us look forward to, a time to connect with loved ones, to take a break from the everyday routines of work and chores and to experience the lighter side of life. But for many it’s also a time that carries a certain stress. Time spent in close proximity to extended family members can bring up a whole load of challenges, rows and fights and we don’t always relish the prospect…
Register for a free video with three practical coaching tools to divert any potential Christmas family arguments with grace, reduce tensions and spread kindness.
Love your family, but feeling a little apprehensive about spending Christmas together?
Applying the tools from this video could easily be the best Christmas gift you'll be giving to yourself, and those you love.
“I was just talking with my girlfriend about the holidays and some family issues that are rising up when your message came up. I felt I had to watch your video with coaching tips as I can surely try and be more kind.
Andy
If a Christmas with family (in-law) can feel tiring
Or emotionally intense for you,
Learn how to remain
Centred and loving
When tensions arise.
Because no matter how much we care
For our family (in-law),
Many of us can feel anxious
About spending time with them.
It can be lovely, but also full on...
You might worry about
Getting comments about your weight,
Differences in political views, questions why you're still single,
When you'll get pregnant of their grand-child, or
Opinions about your parenting skills...
For many of us, Christmas is about family.
Yet all over the world
Many can't see their loved ones:
Wars, money constraints,
Living on the other side of the world,
Loved ones who have passed away…
So for those of us who can be together,
Let's be extra mindful
To have a kind and harmonious home
Without any tricky family dynamics.
Let's take a deep breath together,
And find rest
Amidst the frantic Christmas mode
To re-connect with what matters most:
Together let's make this Christmas
More calm and more kind.
Dealing with family stress at Christmas
There’s an old expression in the meditation community that often gives me a wry smile when I read it: “If you think you’re enlightened, go and spend a week with your extended family”. All families will have a certain dynamic and they are not always conscious to us, they simply play out and we don’t necessarily know that anything is awry until we find ourselves feeling uncomfortable, irritated or upset. And there’s nothing quite like close family dynamics to trigger us into feelings of inadequacy, shame, guilt, disempowerment and out of what might be our usual calm and centred state of equanimity. These feelings can often drive challenging behaviour that threatens the peace and harmony of a holiday gathering.
This makes sense, as our significant attachment relationships get right to the core of ourselves. They are the relationships where, particularly as children, we seek safety, where we most need to be seen, heard and valued. Some people are able to enjoy that feeling in the bosom of their family and those gatherings can be joyful, meaningful and wholly life affirming. For many of us, those fundamental needs weren’t always historically met by our immediate family members, so instead we can end up feeling unseen, unheard and underappreciated to varying degrees. As we explored in a recent article on Transactional Analysis, we all grow up with adaptations of our true nature in order to cope with life and get the attention we crave. Some of us adopt people pleasing tendencies, others find a rebellious approach has more effect. Sometimes the effect can be subtle, we may feel uncomfortable but we play our expected role, bend ourselves into ways of behaving that work for those around us, grit our teeth and get through it. Other times it can be more dramatic and the consequences are more disruptive.
I enjoyed recoding a free video guide with three communication tools, to support those for whom the festive seasons isn't always tinsel and fairy lights.
Free video guide for you
Know how to lay the foundations for a less intense and more peaceful Christmas family gathering.
Let’s take a few common stressful festive season rows
Christmas arguments every family has, and how to handle them
You’re sat round the table, the meal is served and the conversation moves to a topic close to your heart, perhaps you have a little courage from a glass of wine or two and you voice your opinion. Uncle Peter responds in disagreement with a cutting retort. Aunt Rebecca stiffens and tells him, none too subtly, to stop being a cantankerous old wotsit, which only serves to fuel his indignation and a rant ensues. Everyone is feeling uncomfortable, apart from Uncle Peter, and despite strongly disagreeing with his point of view you feel silenced and unable to respond.
You’re coming to the end of the meal and your children want to go off and play, but little Amara hasn’t finished her food and says she has had enough. “Clean your plate!” comes the abrupt command from her grandmother and Amara looks at you in distress and bewilderment. The culture in your own home is a little different to when you were a child and grandmother’s rules don’t apply. You’re torn. Hanging in the precarious balance it seems is either the respect for grandmother or child. Do you back up the matriarch of the family and instruct your child to finish her food, or do you support the child? A seemingly no win standoff…
The meal is done and the family are sitting round the table, you’re relaxed and jovial, letting your hair down as you slip into familiar jokes with your siblings, younger brother is the butt as usual. Your partner notices his discomfort and shoots you a look of disapproval. You ignore it, it’s just family banter after all, but later over the washing up your partner takes you to task on it. A hushed row between the two of you leaves you feeling irritated, frustrated and perhaps a little ashamed. You serve the coffee with a strained smile and can cut the air with a knife. The whole thing is just awkward!
Whilst these might not be the exact scenes from your own relatives, you may be able to relate to the end result; those feelings of discomfort, the experience of family members ‘taking sides’ and those dilemmas about how to keep everyone happy. It’s not always easy to navigate these ‘fights’, and often so much of what is occurring is unconscious to us, it’s almost as if we go into autopilot and have no choice but to play out the programs that have always been there.
We have an opportunity at times like these to take a more conscious approach and with a little preparation and a few skills in the toolkit it’s possible to avoid conflict, rows, resentment or anxiety and relax and enjoy the company of our ‘nearest and dearest.’
Have the gift of a harmonious home for Christmas, and don’t spend a penny.
Leave your email below and receive three simple and effective coaching tools for a family Christmas without arguments.
“I felt it was custom written for myself. It’s all I needed to hear. I will keep listening from time to time as I know it will surely help to increase my levels of patience.”
Anonymous
To prepare our minds and heart
For Christmas with our family
I created a thoughtful video guide
To stay calm this Christmas
And radiate kindness,
For the benefit of all.
I hope it helps create a little more ease
In the run up to the holidays,
And that you can look forward
To making many wonderful memories.
This Christmas,
May you love and feel loved.
Warmly,
Karin Peeters
Coach & Psychotherapist
Founder of Vitalis Coaching & Therapy
