Transactional Analysis (TA) - exploring your Life Script
How understanding our TA Life Script can support us in our quest for further authenticity, autonomy and healthy choices in our communication and relationships.
Transactional Analysis (TA) is such a rich world with much to teach us, so in this post I’d like to explore some of the facets of TA, in particular life scripts and how they impact on our lives way beyond our childhood.
For those of you who might want to further your understanding and work a little more deeply there are some life script exercises to help uncover your own script and what to do to gain more awareness and autonomy. This can be particularly helpful for those of us yearning to show up more authentically in the world and who want to break out of unhelpful patterns in our significant relationships that keep us stuck or cause the relationship to break down over time.
In a recent post I shared some fundamentals of the Parent Adult Child Model of Transactional Analysis (TA), developed by Eric Berne. If you haven’t yet read that article you can do so here and it will give you the foundations to read on.
We all have a story that we live by
TA understands that each of us has a ‘Life Script‘ (or childhood script), essentially the narrative of our life written for ourselves that begins to be put down even before we are verbal. Most of that script is formed before the age of seven. In our first seven years of life we create a picture of ourselves, others, the world as a whole, and what and how our life is going to look like. Whilst we might not be aware of the ‘story’ of our life, in TA terms we are very likely to be living it out with gusto in our adult years. The foundation of a life script is central to the work of TA: therapy and script analysis is the process of understanding how we may unwittingly set up problems for ourselves and set about trying to solve them (often unsuccessfully) in accordance with the self-limiting decisions we took as a child as part of our unconscious script.
But before you start beating yourself up for having build a damaging life script, please remember that it was a very wise survival strategy of your inner child. Script decisions are the best you could have dealt with your past circumstances and yet, those past best choices made by you as a child, may become limiting and even damaging to you as a grown adult. It needs to be brought into your awareness, so you can update the aspects that are no longer serving you. Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy aims to change your unhealthy life script. The good news is, because it was you who made the self-limiting decisions in the first place, you have the power to change it.
Broadly the aim of TA is to help us, via an understanding of our Life Script and how we ‘transact’, to update the unhelpful strategies we might have adopted in childhood to enable us to fully thrive as authentic adults with autonomy.
“A life script is a life plan made in childhood, reinforced by parents, justified by subsequent events, and culminating in a chosen alternative”.
- Eric Berne -
Let’s start at the beginning
How are the Ego States of Transactional Analysis formed?
As explained in that earlier blog on Transactional Analysis, our communication is built up of a series of ‘transactions’ with another person. Each transaction being a signal sent by one person from one ego state (like our Parent, Adult or Child ego state) and a response back from the other person’s ego state (their inner Parent, Adult or Child).
To more clearly understand the foundations and applications of this model it can be helpful to understand not only where these ego states come from, but the patterns, helpful or unhelpful, of communication we can get into and why. Let’s get going!
What is your life script and is getting the results you want?
Transactional Analysis - Life Scripts explained
Essentially, as we grow from childhood we develop strategies and behaviours to cope with life and survive, that may or may not serve us into adulthood. TA enables us to understand how these strategies are firstly formed, and then how we can move beyond them to more helpful patterns of behaviour. It recognises that we are strongly bound by our unconscious stories and may distort our perception of current reality to fit the script and allow it to play out. So we might redefine certain experiences or discount certain information. It’s also likely that we will fall into adult (romantic) relationships that re-play our core caregiving relationships in early childhood. This isn’t deliberate, but merely the script playing itself out. For example we might find ourselves with a partner who plays the part of the Parent or caregiver we had as a child, while we act as the child, or vice versa.
But why do we stick to our story? It might seem non-sensical that we don’t simply just drop the old narratives and behaviours as we mature. Fundamentally it’s driven by our need for resolution and closure of the issues left unresolved in our childhood, namely our need for unconditional love and attention. Luckily we don’t always live in the script, certain circumstances do make it more likely. We are drawn to default to our unconscious script when current situations are particularly stressful, or when the present experience strongly resembles childhood experiences. The more stress we are under, the more likely we are to default to our script as it’s a (perceived) place of psychological safety for us. Noticing our stress threshold for dropping into our life script can start to build some resilience against it.
Let’s keep reading, so you don’t let your past determine your future.
The unseen don't and do's we live by
Striving for acceptance vs embracing our authentic self
Understanding Strokes in Transactional Analysis
To work effectively with TA, it can help to have an understanding of what fundamentally drives our behaviour in our formative years. When we ‘transact’ and one person signals recognition, and that recognition is returned this act of recognition is known as a stroke. Strokes can be positive or negative, physical, verbal or nonverbal and they can be conditional (based on your behaviour) or unconditional (based on who you are as a person). We need positive strokes to maintain our physical and emotional wellbeing. And negative strokes, sadly enough, are better than no strokes at all…
Racket Feelings In transactional analysis
If you think back to your childhood maybe you can notice some of the feelings that you felt were unacceptable to express to your parents or caregivers. Outbursts of anger for example may have been met with strict opposition or perhaps a parent would ignore or withdraw affection. To cope with that, and to get the necessary strokes for thriving, you may have very quickly learned not to express anger, but to repress it and instead substitute it with a more permitted emotion. These substitute feelings are known in TA as Racket Feelings or inauthentic feelings and they are used as a cover or mask for the authentic feelings underneath.
If we go through life getting lots of reward (positive strokes) for our racket feelings we can easily see how we can build a distorted version of our authentic self which suppresses the mad (angry), sad, scared or glad core feelings of our authentic self when they are not accepted by those we seek love and attention from.
Because as young children the need to survive is key and survival relies on positive strokes, we very quickly adapt our behaviours to get the required strokes we need to cope. Behaviours that are welcomed by those who care for us are allowed, and over time we work out which ones have been given ‘permission’ and which haven’t. We end up only allowing ourselves to feel or display feelings that were deemed permissible. Welcome to another component of your life script!
Besides ‘strokes’ and ‘rackets’, we receive Injunctions or Stoppers for those behaviours that make our parents or primary caregivers feel uncomfortable or cause them frustration, disappointment or anxiety, and we as the child adapt accordingly. Injunctions are destructive beliefs that are passed on very early in our lives through certain limitations, prohibitions or negative commands from a parental figure (in many case they are not aware they do this).
In Transactional Analysis there are twelve main injunctions that commonly play out in the formation of our Life Scripts.
12 main injunctions transactional analysis:
“Don’t be” or “Don’t exist”
“Don’t be you”
“Don’t be a child”
“Don’t grow up”
“Don’t succeed”
“Don’t” (do anything)
“Don’t be important”
“Don’t belong”
“Don’t be close”
“Don’t be well / sane”
“Don’t think”
“Don’t feel”
As you reflect on these statements, it might be interesting to notice which of these injunctions from Transactional Analysis are most poignant for you?
As humans in the world we are continually striving (consciously or unconsciously) to meet our fundamental need for love, attention and unconditional acceptance. We form an internal list so to speak of do’s and don’ts that we follow to feel safe and get the connection and attention we desire. This childhood pattern often carries through into adulthood. Let’s get a better idea of your Life Script.
So now we have a fairly intellectual understanding of the concept of life scripts, it might be useful to play around with it in a more practical way.
Do your own TA Life Script analysis
Four self-discovery exercises to unveil your Life Script
If you’d like to explore this for yourself, it might help to grab a journal, find a comfortable space where you can be undisturbed for a while and, with a sense of curiosity and playfulness, begin to consider your own life. The four simple exercises and questionnaire below will help you analyse and uncover some of the likely unconscious patterns and life scripts that may still be present for you.
Life script questionnaire
Consider your earlier childhood with your primary care givers and role models. For each person of significant influence, consider these questions in turn:
What did they say when they complimented you as a child?
What did they say to you when they were upset or criticising you?
What stories or messages were you given about life, death, marriage, love, sex, your birth, men, women, gender?
Exploring your rewards and sanctions
What behaviours were you routinely awarded / rewarded for as a child?
What behaviours were you routinely chastised for?
How often did you feel rushed by the adults around you?
How did your caregivers respond to displays of emotion or affection? Were you free to show emotion or were you compelled to put a brave face on things for example?
How easy was it for you to make mistakes and experiment, or did you find you were routinely chastised for getting things ‘wrong’ or making a mess?
On reflection, what are the main do’s and don’ts that you have learned and accepted as being true?
Exploring dreams and fairy tales
Think back to your favourite childhood stories or fantasies. Which were your favourite children’s books? Who were your favourite characters? Who did you identify with, and why? How did they feel, what was the essence of their character? The role models or those we idealised, fantastical or otherwise, can give us powerful clues as to our own scripts. We might for example escape into characters that enjoyed freedoms that we didn’t. What was the beginning, middle and end of the story? How is this story reflected in your current adult life?
Write your own childhood
Consider writing a brief story of your own childhood. What would the title be? What genre would it fit into? Would it be tragic, comic, dramatic, fantastical for example? What are the main events, and the main characters? Do you imagine yourself in old age, and if yes what do you believe will happen? How does your story end? What is the closing line? When you reflect on the story, does it feel like a winning or losing script, or does it hang in the balance?
Transactional Analysis TA - Drivers
As we draw to a close on exploring the theory behind our life script, the last piece of this puzzle is to take a brief look at what we refer to in TA as our drivers (or counter-injunctions). TA recognises that we have some fairly common ‘drivers of behaviour’ that tend to show up most when we are stressed or anxious. Drivers are given in a social context (versus injunctions which are being given in a psychological context) and indicate the “shoulds”, “oughts” and “do’s” of parental expectations. You can think of drivers as signposts for the child to follow. These are the five TA drivers:
“Be Perfect”
“Be Strong”
“Try Hard (but don’t succeed)”
“Please Others”
“Hurry Up”
As you reflect on the list above, perhaps take a moment to note down situations in your life when these become present for you? How does that affect your ability to be authentic, to act in your own integrity with your own highest interests at heart?
Now you’ve explored your own script, here’s a few TA life script examples of how these play out for others
How a life script can affect our ability to accept help:
Rebecca was a woman who from the outside had it all. A good job that she enjoyed, two happy children doing well at school a lovely home, a busy social life and a partner who she loved spending time with. She was independent, worked hard, was super organised and kept everything ticking along at home. Occasionally she would find herself overwhelmed with everything she had to manage. There were frustrations under the surface in her relationship because at times it was very hard for her to accept help, she found it challenging to really trust someone and to settle into a long term mutually loving relationship, instead feeling like she always had to be the one to take care of herself plus everyone else. At times, it was exhausting. She would be a little guarded with her partner, feel anxious about asking for what she needed and felt a constant pressure to be super-woman. When she started exploring this with her therapist to uncover what might be going on under the surface it all started to make sense when they uncovered her deeper life script.
When she was very young her brother was diagnosed with a chronic illness, and everything changed at home. Her parents had to give so much time and energy to her little brother, and Rebecca learned to blend into the background. As her brother needed more and core care, there was less and less space for her. She learnt how to be more and more self-reliant. Adapted to meet her own needs, and continually affirmed for her independence and ability to be the ‘good girl’ who never made a fuss. What enabled her to survive within the family system was carried faithfully into her adult life. From early on she adapted to switch off an important core part of her true self, the part that wanted and needed time and attention from others, and to be able to rely on others for what she needed. The driver to ‘be strong’ took over and the injunctions of ‘don’t feel’, ‘don’t be important’ and ‘don’t be a child’ were deeply embedded.
Through therapy she began to welcome back that part of herself long abandoned, to learn to find safety in vulnerability, and trust and that others would support her.
How a life script can affect our sense of belonging and safety:
Safwah had always had a sense of not fitting in, she would refer to herself jokingly as the ‘black sheep’. At times this feeling of not belonging would be so strong she would wonder if there was any place for her in the world… which would take her to dark places. She was confused as this feeling didn’t always make sense. It puzzled her, as after all she wasn’t depressed, but at times felt it so strongly that she would entertain thoughts of ending it all.
While working with this in therapy, speaking to relatives, and eventually with her own father, she discovered that her mother, who had passed away when she was in her early 20’s, had been very depressed when she was pregnant with Safwah. Her mother had undergone quite invasive ECT therapy not long after Safwah was born and had repeated depressive episodes. As it happens, these episodes would often coincide with times when Safwahs behaviour, although natural for a toddler and young child, would be extremely challenging for her mother. When Safwah was outspoken or unable to control her emotions as a child, her mother would be forced to withdraw, sometimes for days, leaving Safwah feeling abandoned. Safwah’s siblings didn’t seem to trigger these episodes in her mother, they all seemed to be able to get along. Particularly, Safwah noticed, when she wasn’t around. These very early experiences had left Safwah with such a strong feeling that she didn’t quite fit in, as even the person she most closely relied upon could not bear to have her around, so she adapted. She retreated into activities that took her away from her family, preferring the company of her rather alternative group of friends, where she felt like she had a place with others who also didn’t quite belong and who valued her rebellion.
Talking to her aunt (the sister of her mother), Safwah discovered that the maternal grandmother had been quite a Victorian parent, very judgemental of her mother and her aunt, preferring them to be seen and not heard, to the point of harsh punishment if they were too outspoken or demanding. Safway realised that her mother had learnt, it seemed, to become quiet and suppressed, and it made much sense to Safwah that of course she would not be able to cope with any emotionally expressive behaviours in her own daughter.
Uncovering this once unknown part of her history helped her make sense of her script of abandonment and not belonging. Bringing in some understanding of her mother and to find compassion for her younger self who had felt so abandoned and different really helped to rewrite her negative self-beliefs and embrace a sense of being allowed to feel, express and be accepted for who she is.
How a life script can affect our relationship to money and financial success:
Caelon came from a working class family in Birmingham. They didn’t have very much money, but they all got along and life was a messy mix of lots of laughter and hard work. He was very bright at school, earning a scholarship but, on the encouragement of his father, turned it down in favour of an apprenticeship in engineering to follow in his fathers footsteps. Caelon worked hard and had a family of his own and, after his father passed away, took over the family business. But it was a struggle, he could never quite get the business to work financially, they always had just enough, but it always seemed like hard work to just scrape by. He had lots of ideas but never felt like he could get any of them off the ground, something would always happen that would knock his confidence and he never got to see anything through.
When he began exploring his life script he could recall so many times where both his parents would make scathing comments about the well-to-do neighbours, their flashy cars and expensive holidays. He was always told that people had to work hard for their money, it should never come easily and spending money was only acceptable if it was on the essentials. Spending money on nice things was frivolous or wasteful. He recalled a particular conversation with his mother after winning first place in a primary school competition where he was given a telling off for getting too big for his boots and ‘no-body likes a show off’. The messages and injunctions of “don’t make it” over time crystalised into deep rooted beliefs that he could only be liked if he stayed small, didn’t earn a lot of money and certainly shouldn’t enjoy anything that felt too abundant or excessive.
Understanding the theory of TA and defining his own injunctions, drivers and life script made it possible for Caelon speak to his own inner child from a place of empowerment and celebration for his achievements. He gave himself permission to re-decide that earning more money is not a curse but a blessing, and that earning more doesn’t automatically risk envy and scorn, but is safe and brings joy.
Disclaimer: these are fictional and simplified case studies, to protect the confidentiality of our therapy clients.
Transactional Analysis - rewrite Your own Life Script
Re-writing your life script for more confidence, authenticity and choice
The life script exercises above help you to get clarity on what your own childhood script might be. The exercise I am mentioning here will support you in re-writing your script (taking ‘redecisions’) into a healthier, happier version.
Using metaphor, analogy and storytelling in a creative way can be a hugely powerful way to gain more autonomy over your own life and to make sense of things. Consider writing your own fairytale, placing yourself as the autonomous protagonist. What character would you create, what adventures would unfold? Embellish the story with details of supportive characters and create an ending worthy of you.
Make it stand out
Be the conscious driver of your own life
A fundamental belief of Transactional Analysis Therapy is that anything that has been learned can be re-learned. As adults we get to re-decide in the current moment on what matters, to bring more conscious awareness to our behaviour and to make intelligent, considered choices about how we show up in the world.
If there was a set of motivational factors you would like to be more present for, what might they be? Where before you might have been striving for perfection, how would it feel and what would the result be if instead you were aiming to be “real” for example? If before you might have felt under pressure to “be strong”, how would it be to “open” or “honest”?
These are just a couple of examples of what alternatives might look like, but feel free to play around and create some re-decisions that you might want to be open to in the future.
There is so much more to explore in this fascinating world of Transactional Analysis and I hope that this has given you some practical food for thought. My hope is that it has created a little more wiggle room for an even more conscious, empowered and authentic way of thinking and being for you.
Until next time! Much love, Karin
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