Let’s get emotional! How to build our emotional vocabulary?
How to figure out how we feel about something? And how to express emotions in words? Let’s expand our emotional vocabulary with feeling words, so we can name our experiences and improve our connection with ourselves and others.
When we are unable to articulate our experiences and our emotional reactions to life events, our capacity to make sense of them and share them with others is diminished. Having a wide array of words in our emotional language to make sense of our world, and explain to others what is going on for us is crucial for connection.
Yet developing a sense of mastery about our emotions isn’t something many of us take the time or thoughtfulness to do. As a Coach & Therapist I believe it is time and energy well spent. With a little bit of practise it enables us to be less at the mercy of unhelpful habitual patterns and get back in the driving seat of our own bus, so to speak.
In this blog I will share a list of feeling words, the utterly helpful Wheel of Emotions, and a couple of journalling and coaching prompt to help you on your way. Today, let’s dive into the world of our emotions and let’s learn how to name and understand our feelings!
It is fairly widely understood in academic and psychology circles that having more than just a superficial understanding of our emotions and feelings is incredibly helpful:
When we can accurately identify what we are feeling and express the nuance of that to others we can improve our relationships and create the possibility for deeper and more authentic human connection.
When we have a clear sense of what is going on in our emotional landscape and can signpost that landscape with subtlety, finding our own way through it is much more straightforward. With greater emotional vocabulary, when we encounter difficulty or struggle, we can better understand and regulate our emotions to more deftly overcome it.
Those of us with greater emotional vocabulary are less likely to suffer from anxiety and depression and more likely to be emotionally resilient.
With broader emotional vocabulary, or “granularity", we also have the opportunity to experience the full richness and diversity of life as the words we use to describe our emotions aren’t simply helpful labels to name our experience, they also shape our experience.
Once we begin the journey into figuring out how we feel about something, and how to express emotions in words, there is so much potential for deeper connection with ourselves and others.
Have a look at these examples of emotions - which ones do you recognise most in yourself?
What are the seven basic universal human emotions?
There has been a lot of research into the human emotional experience, and without going into the details of all the findings, what we have seen over time is an expansion in the list of recognised emotions. Early research from the likes of Paul Ekman et al. focused on and identified seven basic emotions: happiness, sadness, anger, fear, disgust, contempt and surprise.
Emotions List - Atlas of the Heart - Brené Brown
More recent research by Brené Brown has highlighted not just seven, but eighty-seven emotions that shape and define us, and she explains how to express them within ourselves and to the world outside of us. You can read more about this in her book “Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience”. She grouped the emotions as an atlas with places we go to, mapping the emotions out like geographic regions. She states that these emotions and experiences define the meaning of being human. I’ve copied her list of emotions below, are you ready to find out where your feelings are coming from and why you might react in certain ways?
Download list of the 87 Human Emotions & Experiences from Brené Brown’s research. It’s free, thanks to Brené Brown!
Places we go when things are uncertain or too much
Stress
Overwhelm
Anxiety
Worry
Avoidance
Excitement
Dread
Fear
Vulnerability
Places we go when we’re hurting
Anguish
Hopelessness
Despair
Sadness
Grief
Places we go when we search for connection
Belonging
Fitting in
Connection
Disconnection
Insecurity
Invisibility
Loneliness
Places we go when we compare
Comparison
Admiration
Reverence
Envy
Jealousy
Resentment
Schedenfreude (enjoyment in misfortune of others)
Freudenfreude (rejoicing: enjoyment in fortune of others)
Places we go when things aren’t what they seem
Amusement
Bittersweetness
Nostalgia
Cognitive Dissonance
Paradox
Irony
Sarcasm
Places we go when the heart is open
Love
Lovelessness
Heartbreak
Trust
Self-Trust
Betrayal
Defensiveness
Flooding
Hurt
Places we go when things don’t go as planned
Boredom
Disappointment
Expectations
Regret
Discouragement
Resignation
Frustration
Places we go with others
Compassion
Pity
Empathy
Sympathy
Boundaries
Comparative Suffering
Places we go when life is good
Joy
Happiness
Calm
Contentment
Gratitude
Foreboding Joy
Relief
Tranquility
Places we go when it’s beyond us
Awe
Wonder
Confusion
Curiosity
Interest
Surprise
Places we go when we fall short
Shame
Self-Compassion
Perfectionism
Guilt
Humiliation
Embarrassment
Places we go when we feel wronged
Anger
Contempt
Disgust
Dehumanisation
Hate
Self-Righteousness
Places we go to self-assess:
Pride
Hubris (arrogance)
Humility
“When we name an emotion, it does not give the emotion more power. It gives US more power. “
- Brené Brown -
Emotions Wheel - List of Comfortable and Uncomfortable Emotions
With gratitude: Human Systems
Naming or understanding our feelings isn’t always something that comes easily. If we were lucky, we might have had a parent or caregiver who was emotionally intelligent enough to help us recognise, label and understand our feelings as a child, but the chances are we probably had a fairly limited emotional vocabulary modelled for us...
We may also have had the experience that some of our emotions were censored or unpalatable to others, creating feelings of shame and leading us to repress those feelings. This has ramifications for us as adults and can make navigating life and relationships tricky.
If we want to put ourselves back in the driving seat, create more freedom, choice and autonomy then we need to get a little more familiar with digging into our feelings more deeply and creating an environment for ourselves where all emotions can be welcomed as valid and accepted.
But despite all of us experiencing emotions throughout daily life, I find we don’t often take the time to pay attention to them and to really understand what is going on.
It makes sense that, just as when we are learning a new foreign language, the more our vocabulary increases, the greater the chances of making ourselves understood. The more words and phrases and nuance we have at our disposal the greater the opportunity for deeper, more enriching connection.
With thanks to Human Systems, I hereby encourage you to download this expansive index of words to describe both comfortable (positive) and uncomfortable (challenging / negative) feelings:
journalling prompts and coaching resources for increased personal awareness and more harmonious relationships
To journey deeper together through the landscape of your emotional world you find some prompts for developing greater emotional vocabulary and personal understanding below. I invite you to approach this with curiosity, gentleness and enjoy the exploration.
Emotional Mapping
Draw yourself a simple grid with an axis as shown. You might like to take a significant relationship as the context: your spouse, partner, child or even a work colleague.
Consider a recent interaction when you felt disconnected from them, most likely your emotional needs weren’t being met and perhaps communication wasn’t going as well as you would have liked. Plot your feelings on the graph in relation to the level of disconnection and the energy of that feeling. Do the same for an encounter with them when you felt really connected and things were going well.
See how subtle you can get with your descriptions of the emotions. Use the Feeling Wheels above to help you name the emotions.
Reflecting on the “emotional mapping” exercise
You might like to repeat the exercise for each of your significant relationships and notice any patterns or recurring primary emotions that keep arising for you.
Some examples of what might come up are shown here, although this is by no means an exhaustive list.
Do you find you have a tendency for more low energy (which while disconnected can lead to depressive states) or more high energy (which while disconnected can lead to volatile states)?
Which emotions did you find easy to label?
Where do you have more emotional vocabulary and where do you find you have less granularity?
Mind-Body Mapping
Another helpful exercise is to begin to explore the relationship between mind and body. Understanding the connection between our bodily sensations, our thoughts and our corresponding emotions is good practice for developing emotional intelligence and empathy. In Buddhist traditions we place a lot of emphasis on meditation, where we practice cultivating an observing witness to our thoughts, bodily sensations and emotions. Mind-Body Mapping has a similar outcome, without needing to sit on a meditation cushion.
Draw a simple grid and think about three or four emotional experiences in the past week. Take a moment to get under the skin of what was happening for you, and aim to map the respective sensations, body language, thoughts and emotions. There’s a helpful example below.
Feeling / Impulse Mapping
Another dynamic that might be fruitful to explore is the impulses or desires that are driven by certain feelings or emotions. Raising awareness of our instinctive and habitual tendencies in situations, and having done some pre-thinking about potentially more helpful responses can give us more choice and freedom of how to respond.
Think about challenging or uncomfortable emotions that come up a lot for you, write the prompt “When I feel x… instinctively I tend to …x”. Work your way through all the emotions that are common for you until you have a fairly comprehensive list.
If you’re struggling, here’s a few fairly common emotions to start with…
When I feel overwhelmed I tend to….
When I feel wounded I tend to…
When I feel anxious I tend to…
When I feel let down I tend to…
When I feel disappointed I tend to …
When I feel embarrassed I tend to…
When I feel vulnerable I tend to…
Reflecting on the Feeling / Impulse Mapping exercise
Opening up more choice about our responses to emotions or situations is possible when we approach things from a reflective, calm and considered emotional state. Doing your thinking before you get into a tricky situation can pay dividends. For each of the emotions you’ve listed, consider if your instinctive tendency is always helpful for you. Does it make you feel safer? Does it bring you into deeper connection with others? Does it get you the outcome you desire? For each one consider how you would ideally like to be able to respond, and what resources you might need in order to make that more likely. Then form a resourcing statement like the one suggested here.
Here’s a few examples of the resourcing statement in action:
When I feel overwhelmed, I tend to shut down, withdraw and avoid the situation. I would like to be able to engage, be productive and tackle things without avoiding them. In order for that to be possible I would need to give myself time to think, talk it through with a friend and write a list of what needs to be done.
When I feel anxious, I tend to lose my patience with my family, make short term decisions and reach for comfort food. I would like to be able to feel calm and rational. In order for that to be possible I would need to understand what’s at the root of my anxiety, take care of my nervous system and ask for some support with the day-to-day care of my children.
When I feel let down, I tend to get frustrated and defensive, give my partner the silent treatment and worry that I’m not good enough. I would like to feel confident to talk calmly, express how I feel and set a boundary. In order for that to be possible I would need to understand what it is I want and need in that situation, to take gentle care of myself until I feel calm enough for a conversation, to talk it through with a therapist or journal for myself to work out what to say.
How to explore and navigate mixed emotions?
I’m sure you’ve had times as I have when you’ve experienced mixed emotions, when two seemingly opposing feelings are present. Bittersweetness is an example. Like the feeling a parent might have for their child getting married when they happy for them, but sad at the prospect of their child growing up and leaving the nest for good. Nostalgia is another example when the looking back on a memory brings up positive emotions, but it’s combined with the sadness and grief of that person or experience no longer being present.
Mixed emotions in themselves aren’t necessarily problematic but some can be difficult to navigate, particularly when we just can’t put our finger on exactly what we are feeling and why, and it makes it hard to make decisions and confident choices.
When we have those moments allowing ourselves the freedom to name anything that might be present can make it easier to find clarity. If you suspect you have mixed feelings about a situation I invite you to note down all the possible feelings that might be in the mix for you. Just seeing them in black and white can help separate out the ones that are really important to you and begin to reveal what practical resources you might need to be able to make a decision or take some action.
Let’s take the example of being invited to a family reunion at the other end of the country. You can’t decide whether you want to go and you’re not really sure why?
I feel excited about seeing the family and I’m nervous about travelling.
I’m curious to hear what everyone has been up to and I’m anxious about whether I will be judged by the family for not having a good job.
I’d feel guilty if I didn’t go as it might be the last time I’ll see granny and I’m worried I wont be very good company as I’ve been pretty exhausted lately.
When we can see specifically which challenging emotions are present for us, we can begin to make choices about how best to support ourselves.
If greater clarity and direction in life is something you crave then you can also make use of our free gift which is a mini course created specifically to support you in finding the right direction in life for you.
A word of encouragement
It can be very easy to judge ourselves for our emotions, particularly if they cause friction in relationships, or we find them too hot or hard to handle. Starting from a compassionate place of acceptance of however you feel is my invitation. Remember that every emotion you experience is valid. All of us are trying in our own way to be seen, heard, understood, valued and to get the human connection that we all crave and deserve.
Would you like to explore further together, I’d love to hear from you.
