When switching off is not enough… How to really relax and why it matters.
Do you find it hard to relax and recharge your batteries? When you take a rare moment for yourself, away from work or home pressures, do you find yourself returning feeling more alive and refreshed? Or have you just passed time on screens and came back slightly flat and bored, having been lost in distraction or avoidance for a while?
Here at Vitalis Coaching & Therapy we are in favour of deep and meaningful relaxation. What I’ve noticed in my years of working as a Coach and Psychotherapist is that so many people have trouble to switch off and struggle to truly relax. Spiralling thoughts, anxiousness and worry are difficult to put down and find space from.
When I explore what relaxation looks like for these clients I hear ways that help them distract from everyday pressures. This often involves down-time in front of the TV (Netflix, anyone?), escaping into social media scrolling, numbing with food and/or drink and the like. Whilst these activities give us the impression of rest and a momentary distraction from our worries and life’s challenges, they don’t necessarily constitute true relaxation. And they most definitely do not help us feel more rested!
So much of what we engage in when we are "relaxing" might be little more than escapism or avoidance, and you’ll learn all about how to truly relax here. Enjoy reading!
What does it mean to truly relax?
Let’s understand our nervous system first
We all, I'm sure, know the benefits of relaxation. It’s an opportunity to calm the sympathetic nervous system, and engage the powers of our parasympathetic nervous system to rest, digest and repair. If you’ve read my blog on the Vagus Nerve, Polyvagal Theory and how your body responds to stress you will know that the cost to us of not taking care to find time for deep parasympathetic relaxation is a high one.
Sustained stress in our bodies leaves us open to more chronic effects than just the mental and emotional overwhelm it can bring. Over time it takes its toll on our adrenals, on our digestive systems, our hormone balance and myriad other functions. Stress lowers immunity, impacts on sleep quality which in turn affects our brain health. All in all it’s an unhealthy way to be for mind, body and spirit.
When our nervous system is in good regulation and has time to deeply relax it allows us to access restorative sleep, decrease inflammation - which is a primary cause of all sorts of chronic illness, and is involved in memory, learning, controlling sensory processing and a whole load more.
So how, I hear you wonder, to not just switch off, but truly relax?
Distraction & avoidance vs true relaxation
Are you getting trapped in an endless overwhelm-distraction cycle?
Dopamine is the main reward neurotransmitter in the brain produced when we seek out excitement or achievement and the sensation can be highly addictive. Dopamine is needed for motivation, drive, alertness and feelings of instant gratification, but unlike seratonin which is also a pleasure hormone, the effects can be very short lived.
The challenge is that the ‘high’ we experience from dopamine requires ever-increasing amounts of dopamine to be achieved. So we seek out more and more of those things that give us those little hits of pleasure. If the activities that produce the dopamine are beneficial to us, like exercise, socialising, dancing, singing etc then the benefits get multiplied. But it becomes tricky when those things that bring the instant hit are social media scrolling, gaming, gambling, online shopping or substances that actually keep us held in an endless overwhelm-distraction cycle. These activities are actually so depleting, and not relaxing or recharging at all, leaving us with little spare energy to do anything else than, guess what, do another evening with only screens.
Many activities we consider relaxing (but aren’t!) are actually fulfilling our need for dopamine in less than helpful ways… If you recognise yourself as a constant searcher for that next dopamine hit (checking likes on Social Media, refreshing the news page again and again, visiting the apps on your phone and when you checked each and every one of them to start all over again to see if there is anything new on the first one) then you might want to consider a dopamine detox.
True relaxation, the kind I wholeheartedly encourage is that which actually leaves us feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. Those things that aren’t merely switching us into a mode of denial or escapism, but allowing us to lean into all the pleasurable benefits of relaxation. Let’s look into how to not just switch off to avoid our feelings, but to find true relaxation.
Proven Relaxation Techniques, attuned to our current energy levels
In order to recharge our batteries, and feeling fully rejuvanted and refreshed to face the challenges of life, we need moments of proper rest and relaxation. Which is different to the avoidance strategy of simply switching off in order to not having to feel or face what is going on in our life.
One important note, there are moments when some scrolling and a binge-watch of a series are exactly what we need. For example when we are grieving, or when we have done a massive healing journey in therapy and want to distract ourselves a little. This article is not about shaming screen use. This article is to educate us about the difference between switching off, avoiding and distraction strategies that are unhelpful and cause more depletion compared to relaxation techniques that replenish us.
The type of relaxation we need will very much depend on how we are in the moment and what our nervous system needs to really reset and recharge. Let’s explore these nourishing relaxation techniques, and see which ones appeal to you.
when Depleted, just rest
If we have been under intense stress or feeling overwhelmed then complete rest is the best way to relax. Sleeping, having a nap, maybe just sitting with a herbal tea and letting our gaze rest on the horizon for a while might be ideal.
All these activities allow more stillness in the body, an opportunity to reconnect with our breath and find some space to simply be.
When almost nothing is enough
Deeply relaxing and restorative practices like Yin Yoga or Yoga Nidra, listening to peaceful music or taking ourselves somewhere beautiful in nature for a slow and gentle stroll. One of my personal favourites is going to a Sound Bath with singing bowls or a gong. Or a hot bath with Epsom salts, a gentle guided meditation or simply watching our breath.
Mandala colouring is another good option, its repetitive nature, the softness of the shapes and forms and the sense of gradual accomplishment all get those feel good hormones flowing and promote positive feelings of wellbeing. Or doodling, if you don’t have a colouring book at hand!
how to relax while feeling a bit more energetic
If we aren’t feeling quite so depleted and feel with slighly more energy, then relaxation can look like gentle gardening, a walk in nature or doing something creative with our hands. Sewing, drumming, knitting, whittling, baking, anything repetitive can be incredibly soothing to the nervous system and after a while our sense of balance and peace begins to return.
Reading is an option here too, but only stuff that you enjoy and that does not engage your thinking brain. A novel works, science fiction if that’s your thing, fantasy too. No crime or war related books, remember we are trying to relax. And socialising could become an option here, with the right people, and be mindful of not staying too long.
activities when our batteries are full
Now, and only now, we might actually have space for activities that ask for mental and/or physical effort.
By mental effort I mean that our head, our brain, is active. Think of things like reading an autobiograhpy, or listening to a podcast. The amount of times I have heard a client say they are reading a book about the latest developments in their area of work in order to relax just before going to bed is surprising. No worries if that is you, but please now you know: mental activity is not relaxing, especially when we suffer from insomnia.
Physical effort means our body is active. Relaxing activities which are physical could be a vigourous walk, cycling, going to the gym, and DIY like painting the lounge in a colour that brings joy. Physical activity can be very helpful when we are feeling depressed (which is different to feeling depleted), as it can reduce anxiety and boost our mood.
“True relaxation is living in morality.”
- Lama Zopa Rinpoche -
Buddhist Wisdom on relaxation
When I reflect a little more deeply on the nature of relaxation, one of my favourite quotes on this subject from Buddhist Meditation Teacher Lama Zopa Rinpoche comes to mind. He offers “True relaxation is living in morality”. This speaks to me of a deeper level of understanding of the nature of striving and relaxation.
When we live in accordance with our ethics and values, it provides us with a deeper sense of internal peace. When we live out of alignment we have the constant internal struggle of coming to terms with our behaviours and ways of being that at some level we know are working against what is truly right for our heart and soul. Feelings of restlessness, resentment, guilt and fear all feed our desire to escape a less than comfortable reality. When we are in harmony with what we know to be right for us we no longer need to be running away from (or chasing) something to fill a void, but instead can relax deeply into the ground of what it's like to inhabit our wholly human selves.
I’d like to invite you to reflect on how you find relaxation and encourage a gentle enquiry into what drives those behaviours. What are the deeper values you are seeking to fulfil? How important is the pursuit of pleasure and are the ways that you seek it helpful? If you were able to truly relax with nothing getting in the way, what would be the most fulfilling and restorative way for you to do that?
I’d love to hear your thoughts so please do drop me a line and let me know.
