Opening Pandora's Box: overcoming eight common fears about starting therapy
Afraid to begin therapy? You’re not alone and here’s why.
If you are scared about starting therapy, and are wondering if that is normal, then rest assured that yes it is. There are many worries, fears and misconceptions about beginning therapy which can make it tempting to delay that phone call to a therapist when it’s your very first time…
Avoiding pain is natural, and suppressing or avoiding emotions is often a long held habitual response that likely began in early childhood. We learn to adapt our behaviour to fit in, get along and maintain the essential connection with our early attachment figures and caregivers.
If you are curious, I talk more about how this is developed in my posts on Transactional Analysis regarding the Parent-Adult-Child Model and Life Scripts.
As a therapist I'm all too aware how painfully difficult it is for so many of us to connect with our feelings. When we think about getting emotional our mind doesn’t usually go to those enjoyable feel-good emotions like joy, awe and wonder, there’s not often resistance to the good vibes in life. The emotions we tend to want to avoid are the ones that feel sticky, those that are painful and that leave us feeling vulnerable and exposed. So why begin therapy, and risk opening Pandora’s Box?
In today’s blog I explore being nervous about starting therapy; may you realise that this is very normal and may it help overcome your fears.
Scared if therapy opens up a can of worms?
Sometimes life presents us with circumstances that force us into feeling, even when we don’t want to, so our ‘suppress and forget’ strategies actually no longer work as well as they used to. A separation, illness, death of a loved one, losing a job, health crisis or brush with our mortality can all bring up feelings that we just simply can’t avoid.
Pandora’s Box (or the can of worms) is, in these cases, unwittingly and unwillingly opened for us. As is the experience for many of the people I encounter in my Coaching & Therapy work, once the lid is off that box it’s not always easy to force it closed again, reverse it, and carry on with business as usual.
And I would say it’s not always necessary or even helpful to try and avoid those feelings once they have surfaced. Pandora’s Box feels like a less than positive metaphor for a shift in life that can be a hugely empowering journey of self-discovery. So I’m boldly making the case for making space to allow, or better still welcome, the more challenging emotions to be present and fully felt. There comes a point when the adaptations we made in childhood to keep ourselves feeling safe are no longer fit for purpose and a shift needs to happen. Therapy provides us with a perfect space for this exploration.
Why do I feel anxious going to therapy?
Avoiding too much emotional hot water makes sense. We don’t want to be flooded (in the metaphorical and the literal neurobiological sense), we don’t want to lose control and we don’t want our capacity to function in the world to be diminished, even if it’s momentarily. All that is understandable. Add to that, displays of emotion whether public or private aren’t always well received in our culture. It’s not acceptable to express anger, grief should be dealt with in a neat manner, and it’s even more risky perhaps to show weakness.
Much easier to stuff it down, suppress and deal with what’s on the surface in order that progress and productivity isn’t hindered and time isn’t ‘wasted’…
But suppressing our emotions or authentic expression comes at a cost. Do it for too long and dissatisfaction with life and resentment of others can build up. Relationships can start to break down, our confidence and sense of self begins to erode, and we can end up struggling with stress, anxiety or depression.
Contemplating starting therapy can induce fear and trepidation, so let’s have a look at the main reasons why you might wish to avoid opening the proverbial 'can of worms'.
Nervous about going to therapy? This is why.
Let’s face your biggest fears about coming into therapy:
Fear of things getting worse or falling apart
When Pandora’s Box is opened we can naturally assume that it will be uncontrollable and that our feelings will get the better of us, flooding our system and disabling us from our ability to function. We are worried that starting psychotherapy makes us feel worse, bringing about a need to hide under the duvet and unable to meet our responsabilities in life.
Clients mention they bookmarked my website one or even two years ago, but kept postponing to make that first call. But interestingly, after only a few sessions I often hear my clients say ‘I wish I started this sooner, it would have saved me so much pain and trouble’.
Fear of Judgement, exposure and too much closeness
There is still some stigma around seeking support for mental or emotional well-being, as if we are somehow crazy, mad, broken or flawed by ‘needing’ therapy. That therapy is only for those who have a so-called ‘mental health problem’. This is such a shame, as really it is an act of immense courage and bravery and should be applauded!
The thought of sharing the deepest parts of ourselves with a therapist or counsellor can create a sense of vulnerability. There is a natural feeling of being exposed when we think we have to bare the parts of ourselves that we don’t particularly like or want to see. But you’ll find out that it is surprisingly liberating to open up to a ‘stranger’ who has no personal agenda or investment in the outcome, and just has your well-being at heart.
Fear of becoming dependent
We might assume that once we begin therapy we will become reliant on it, losing our ability to stand on our own two feet once we take those steps into the therapy chair. If we have a fear of trusting others, then believing we can do it on our own might be a deeply rooted, yet self-sabotaging, thought pattern.
This is an understandable worry, and could become true in the early phases of having counselling and therapy. From a psychological perspective this is a natural and vital aspect of the therapeutic journey. Think about it as re-parenting of your inner child, helping your younger and possibly wounded parts to be nourished by the good-enough parent (modelled by the therapist), until you’ve fully integrated the healthy parent archetype and all parts of you are strong enough to fly out of the nest and explore the world on your own again.
Confusion: where do I even start?
It’s not always easy to know where to begin with the telling of our story. Making sense of why we are coming to therapy, and what we want out of it can be muddling in our own mind and feel rather overwhelming. If we feel like we have a lot to say and don’t even know where to begin this can be paralysing and a reason to postpone therapy ‘until I have it more clear in my own head’.
The idea that we need to have clarity before booking our first therapy session is a misunderstanding. Be reassured that you can bring the whole lot, as a Therapist I will help you unpick it all. That’s the whole point isn’t it, that you no longer need to do it all by yourself?
Worry that it won’t work and time, money and energy will be wasted
Sometimes it can be easier to think we aren’t worthy of the investment and instead keep trying to go it alone. Reading books, listening to podcasts, talking with friends (some who might even have done a coaching course) can be so tempting as a replacement of actually calling a therapist for the first time.
But being a therapist I can tell you, we can’t see our own shadow. We need a professional to point out the flaws in our thinking, as we are so skilled at hiding our wounds and so well-equipped in believing we are ‘right’ that we need a caring professional to help us have a look in that mirror and give it a good clean.
And also, have a gentle but honest look at your life. Doesn’t the ‘cost’ of a damaged relationship, a unsuccessful job, a period without work and income due to mental ill-health, a lost dream or a discouraged soul be worth it to give therapy at least a try?
Embarrassment: my problems don’t count
Many people feel like their problems are seemingly insignificant and don’t warrant the support of a therapist, particularly if we get into comparison with others who’s situation on the surface seems much more critical than our own. The embarrassment of bothering a therapist with our apparently trivial or petty problems can keep us from reaching out.
My supervisor once told me “It doesn’t matter if we are drowning in a fancy infinity pool or in a dirty muddy swamp, the feeling of drowning is the same”. This always stayed with me, and made me realise that in our suffering and wish for happiness, we are all equal.
seeing therapy as a sign of weakness or failure
It is common that in the lead-up to deciding to go to a therapist or counsellor that we feel we have somehow failed. Should we not be able to do life ourselves, as a grown up adult? And is needing to ask for help a sign that we messed up and could not sort out our own stuff? Especially people with an avoidant attachment style have the mistaken belief that they should be independent and successful, and picking up the phone to make that first call is a huge step to allowing themselves to receive support.
will therapy just blame my childhood and parents?
Another common belief is that therapy is a cop-out that just blames childhood and primary caregivers for our problems. Therapy is seen as a disowning of responsibility to a so-called “inner child”, and a moving away from facing the day-to-day challenges. This is a mistaken view.
Yes, we will look at the roots of certain patterns in order to heal at a mental, emotional and physical level, but a good therapist will always create a bridge to show how the past shows up in our current habits, relationships, beliefs and behaviours. Therapy only talks about the past when it is relevant and beneficial, not just for the sake of it. Therapists will make it clear how unhealed aspacts of our past are present in our current situation, and teaches us different, more wholesome ways of thinking, feeling and behaving.
So, how to get over your fear of going to therapy?
The worries I mentioned above are natural and very common. Yes, taking the step towards deeper self-awareness and change can be daunting for so many reasons. And your resistance to therapy is a normal response of your mind which can get very good at finding reasons to let you off the hook of what might ultimately be in your best interests, but is a little… or very…. scary.
You will inevitably need to face your feelings and when you do this in a safe and nurturing environment with a professional who knows the territory it is significantly smoother (and faster!) than facing it alone. Let’s drop the shame amd doubt and reach out. Give it a playful try, and after a few sessions decide if you’d like to continue. I’d be absolutely delighted to hear from you.
I truly believe that Therapy is a doorway to healing and living a more wholehearted, more authentic and wholly more joyful life.
Find the courage to start therapy with the help of a free Discovery Call:
And a final word of reassurance to give you the bravery to embark on your therapeutic journey. When I work with clients I use the analogy of a remote control. When it’s time to confront challenging emotions during the session I give you the metaphorical remote control. So you can press pause, rewind or stop at any point, and come back to a place of ease and comfort. Nothing happens without your explicit permission. And sharing your feelings in this way with a therapist, someone who can validate, affirm and encourage you in your experience can bring profound relief.
