Festive Burnout - what to do when Christmas creates stress, anxiety and overwhelm?
Coping with Christmas Stress & Exhaustion
Whether you relish the festive season or dread it for weeks in advance, the likelihood is it will be a time when more is demanded of you and usual routines go a little out the window. It’s easy to trip into overwhelm and worse still festive burnout, if we don’t give it a little conscious thought and intentionally prioritise our personal peace and wellbeing.
Here you will find a few suggestions of how to prepare for a more relaxing Christmas and guard against stress, anxiety and overwhelm.
How to avoid Christmas overwhelm and beat festive burn-out
Why is Christmas so stressful?
The festive season is one that many of us look forward to, a time to connect with loved ones, to take a break from the everyday routines of work and chores and to experience the lighter side of life. But for many it’s also a time that carries a certain tension. Time spent in close proximity to extended family members can bring up a whole load of challenges and we don’t always relish the prospect. There’s a special blog on family dynamics with Christmas, which will come in handy if yours is prone to arguments and rows, even in the season when all should be merry… Couple that with the general pressures of this time of year, the additional expense of Christmas, the juggle of work and creating space for social obligations, the nights are drawing in and colder weather all makes it a less than comfortable time for many. Those who struggle with social anxiety are particularly under pressure and the challenge of navigating the work Christmas party or the influx (or not) of invites from friends is not always welcome.
So many more things get added to our to-do list too and with the expectations of others also ramped up, it’s easy to trip into festive overwhelm. But it need not be this way with a little forward planning and a more mindful approach.
How to Regulate your nervous system during the festive season
Beat the festive stress: self-care during Christmas
If things do get overwhelming, there are some quick things you can do in the moment to prevent your stress levels rising too much and keep the festivities as joyous as possible for you.
When we and those around us feel safe, we can usually enjoy peace and harmony. When we feel threatened our nervous system can become dysregulated and we can get triggered into a fight, flight, freeze or fawn (people pleasing) response. Getting provoked into a heated argument, feeling shut down or silenced or just wanting to hide in the bathroom for example. When we are acting from these states, we are not using the executive function of our pre-frontal cortex, but instead are driven by the oldest parts of our brain that are wired to protect us from perceived threat or danger. This part of our brain is ancient and makes very little distinction between the threat of a bear in the woods to the threat of Uncle Peter and his political agenda, both feel like we are fighting for our very lives. Our job in these moments is to bring our nervous system back into regulation. To re-engage the parasympathetic system which enables us to rest and digest.
The ideal way to stay regulated is to spot the signs and intervene as early as possible. Don’t wait until you’ve blown a fuse or want to run and hide. Instead build in regular space to reconnect with the people, spaces and situations where you feel comfortable.
Advice for those who find Christmas stressful
If things become overwhelming here are five quick things you might do to regulate your stress levels and anxiety in the moment. And yes, it works in the middle of a Christmas gathering too.
Take three slow conscious breaths
Our breathing sends a message to our nervous system, by slowing our breathing down our body gets the signal that it’s safe and can shift away from fight or flight. Just three breaths can be enough. Breathe deep into your belly, relax your eyes, your jaw, your neck and shoulders. Take a little longer on the outbreath, this really boosts the signal to relax and regain calm. This can be done totally under the radar at the table quietly for yourself, or in a few moments on a visit to the loo.
Shift your environment and give yourself some space
Take a moment to pause, and move yourself to a different room or outside in the fresh air, and allow yourself a little time to reflect on what’s going on and to make some conscious choices about how to proceed. Think of it like a soccer team being taken off the playing field for a time-out to review and adjust course where needed.
Shake, Stretch, Soothe
This is a more drastic, but immediately effective way of restoring calm to your nervous system. Particularly if there’s been conflict or fierce discussions. Take yourself away to a space where you won't be disturbed for a couple of minutes. Begin by vigorously shaking out your body as much as feels good. Your aim is to discharge anything pent up in the body and allow it to safely release, about 60 seconds of this should be enough before you then begin to stretch.
Stretch your arms, legs, fingers, toes, jaw, stretching side to side to release your ribs (we can store a lot of pent up anger here). Move and stretch in whatever way feels good, again just a minute on this will create a bit of energetic space for you and discharge those fight or flight hormones.
Finally create a soothing motion or posture for yourself, perhaps put a hand on your heart and a hand on your belly, sway gently as if rocking a baby and affirm quietly to yourself that you are OK. You could whisper to yourself “I am safe, all is well” or whatever feels appropriate. Do this again for about a minute, or until you feel like peace is restored, and you can return to the gathering more centred and in control.
Reduce stimulation, seek comfort
Overwhelm from noise and constant stimulation can push some of us into a deregulated state without realising it. Particularly if a fairly quiet, people free environment is our preferred norm.
Take regular short breaks from the bustle of the party throughout the course of the event, whether you think you need it or not. Perhaps find sanctuary in the quiet of your bedroom, nip out into the streets or stroll round the garden for a few moments to prevent it all getting a bit too much. Doing this as a preventative is easier than waiting till you’re at your wits end.
And did you know there are special noise-cancellation ear plugs to reduce noise and control sensory overload, yet still make it possible to follow the nearby conversations? Might feel tricky to wear them at the dining table (even though, why not?), but for the times when you hit the dance floor they could be a life saver. Or if the family wants to go to a crowded playground with the children. And they work wonders if you have a long loud train journey before arriving at the Christmas event!
When the festive tipple creates a topple!
Under stress we all reach for our own coping mechanisms, at festive gatherings, alcohol can definitely be one of those. In moderation perhaps everyone has a jolly time, but we know it also reduces our ability to moderate behaviour, to stay in the rational mind, and to choose thoughts or words with our usual care.
Families, parties and work events of course will have different cultures around alcohol, for some bucks fizz in the morning starts the drinking off early and other gatherings choose to avoid it entirely. Whatever the culture of the people you are celebrating with, if the relationship to alcohol is problematic, is it possible to give it some thought beforehand? How might you be able to reduce or slow the intake or moderate its effects? Can you prepare the ground by talking to family members or friends in advance? Perhaps there is a sympathetic relative or colleague who can support you?
Here’s a few things you might like to consider
Three tips to avoid feeling completely overwhelmed by other people this Christmas
This part is particularly tailored to managing the dynamics with other people. There’s a special blog on family dynamics with Christmas, which will come in handy if yours is prone to arguments and rows, even in the season when all should be merry… When gatherings do get overwhelming and you feel your anxiety rising, there are some quick things you can do in the moment to prevent tensions amongst family members and colleagues running too high and keep the festivities on a harmonious tack.
Manage expectations in advance
Much of the friction can be caused by people being out of familiar routine and not being aware of conventions or expectations in other people’s households. Taking some care to smooth the waters beforehand could go a long way to making life easier.
If you’re hosting, consider if it’s worth letting people know ahead of time what the expected timings are of meals or key events (and if not hosting ask for that information yourself if you need it). This is certainly helpful if people have small children to manage. Kids melting down because they are hungry or have enjoyed too much festive sugar can be avoided with a little planning.
Also don’t be afraid to ask what people need to feel comfortable and accommodate, or manage expectations, if you can. Do small children (or adults for that matter) need a quiet space for a nap or time out? Might it help to give the mum’s and dad’s a break from their children, by offering to take them out on a walk for example, so the parents won’t exhaust themselves and can enjoy the festivities away from their role as a parent? Exhausted parents might lead to intense dynamics with the children later on, so any help to avoid this from happening will eventually be appreciated by all.
Understand the role that you’re playing in the family
If we are used to spending our days as the autonomous adult in the household, when parents or grandparents come to visit there can be a subtle shift in the balance of power that may leave us feeling less than empowered or caught in ways of behaving that feel more reminiscent of childhood. This can certainly add to your stress and exhaustion!
We will have habitual roles we play with our own household and those may come into conflict with our place in the extended family based on the historical role that we adopted as a child. When our parents or siblings are present it can sometimes be unclear which role we are supposed to play. Are we the autonomous adult in charge of our household or are we the rebellious child? Do we get to set the agenda or do we need to comply? Do we have the unconditional positive regard we might enjoy with our nuclear family or are we the black sheep again?
Just having awareness of these roles can be hugely helpful in gaining more agency. Deciding which role is most empowering for you in any given moment can be worth pre-thinking, and helps a lot to feel more in control of your energy levels during the Christmas holidays with family members. One lens that might be helpful in exploring this further is that of the Parent Adult Child model from Transactional Analysis to manage your family dynamics like a pro.
Christmas family gatherings: more trepidation than celebration?
Register for a free video with three practical coaching tools to divert any potential Christmas family arguments with grace, reduce tensions and spread kindness.
Plan your rhythm and approach to create some space for everyone
Whether you’re expected to be all together for an evening, day or a few days, there will undoubtedly be times when you need a little space or when the energy builds up and is ripe for a conflict. Taking a walk, either alone or together, can be a gentle way to diffuse any pent up feelings and give people space to talk or be alone if they need it.
Playing games can be a family tradition that is hugely bonding and break up the pressure of everyone having to be locked into discussions that become heated. Games can present their own challenges too though, so be sure everyone knows the rules, either the literal rules of the game or the unspoken rules in your family culture. If Granny is always allowed to cheat for example, this can be a hoot for all concerned or, if not managed, might be tricky for youngsters or others to deal with.
If you have traditions that are always strictly followed, how might you create some leverage for yourself and others who might want to opt out without it becoming a source of conflict?
If things do get overwhelming, we’ve got another blog post for you with resources especially related to avoiding those dreaded family arguments, which seem to have a life of their own at Christmas time.
There’s a wonderful free video guide too with some quick things you can do in the moment to prevent tensions running too high and keep the festivities on a harmonious tack.
I also find that there are some foundational assumptions that if I hold them in heart and mind, greatly increase the likelihood of having a wonderful Christmas time.
I am doing the best that I can.
I have agency and autonomy and can choose how to best care for myself.
History does not have to repeat itself.
Everyone would ideally like to come away feeling like it was time well spent.
I hope you find this helpful food for thought and however you are choosing to celebrate this festive season, I wish you a peaceful and harmonious time.
With love, Karin
