A walk-through of the model of Non-Violent Communication so you can have those difficult conversations without stomach ache!
How often have you walked away from a conversation feeling frustrated, unheard and misunderstood, where things maybe got unintentionally personal and you wish you had responded differently? Want to bring an end to sleepless nights practising a conversation in your head, only to go mute when confronted with the person? Let’s learn the principles and process of Non-Violent Communication (NVC) today.
We all long to be seen, heard and understood, but so often this is missing in our experience of every day relationships, and this can result in anxious anticipation of dreadfully unpleasant conversations… The model of Non-Violent Communication (NVC) offers us a framework to guide us through those difficult conversations with deep empathy, understanding and to foster greater connection.
A compassionate approach to life, of which I am an enthusiastic proponent, encompasses so many aspects and I love the specifics of Non-Violent Communication or NVC as it is commonly known in the field of psychology. This work, pioneered and developed by Marshall Rosenberg was created to provide a profound yet simple philosophy and approach to reduce and resolve conflict and foster greater connection and peace. The NVC model helps us to speak our truth, and to listen in return.
“When somebody's telling you what's wrong with you, the truth is they have a need that isn't getting met. Hear that they're in pain. Don’t hear the analysis.”
Marshall B. Rosenberg
The meaning of NVC explained
A language for life
The precept Ahimsa - the natural state of compassion when no violence is present in the heart - recognises the interconnectedness of all life and suggests that when we hurt another we are, in reality, hurting ourselves. The principle of Ahimsa includes thought, word and deed and is, in my view, a worthy aspiration for those of us seeking a truly peaceful experience of life, regardless of any religious or spiritual affiliation.
Conflict arises between people usually when there is a conflict of values, when our fundamental needs aren’t met and when there is a divergence of communication styles. NVC offers us a way to navigate through conflict enabling us to compassionately express our feelings, needs and desires in a way that reduces the likelihood for misunderstanding, avoids blaming and shaming and offers us a kind path forward.
The NVC approach recognises that we don’t intend to be violent or cause harm with our communication and that much of it arises due to unconscious patterns and habits. Raising our awareness is the first step therefore to more peaceful communication.
The pillars of the nvc Model
The Guiding Attitudes of Non-Violent Communication
NVC is a thoughtful step-by-step guide for us as individuals, within organisations and in broader political settings, and is premised on a deep understanding of our fundamental human needs and our basic human right to have those communicated, respected and upheld. Let’s keep the peace and discover how to express our feelings, articulate our needs and resolve conflict, without fear of repercussions, stomach ache and sleepless nights.
In NVC, Self-Connection is a guiding principle. Self-Connection is the ability to relate to the world from a place of loving awareness, clarity and truth. Staying connected to our own feelings, thoughts and experiences is hard to do in a busy world, and daily practices of meditation, journaling and time in nature can help us grow this ability to stay in touch with ourselves.
Good Non-Violent Communication relies on our ability to honestly express ourselves and to be open and vulnerable with our feelings and needs. This of course is easier said than done. We need to be able to feel our feelings, name them for ourselves, accept they are valid and worthwhile, and be able to articulate them. Developing emotional granularity (increasing our emotional vocabulary) can help greatly with this.
When we approach communication in a non-violent way, our aim is to be present with as much empathy as we can muster. Instead of our focus being on making our point, or influencing others, rather in the words of Stephen Covey we ‘seek first to understand’. We invite a sense of curiosity without judgement, criticism or blame. We recognise our shared humanity and that we are all doing the best we can.
This Empathetic Presence calls for an open heart and a quiet mind. Meditation practices like Metta can be a wonderful tool for this and I explain the process in my blog on cultivating a spiritual practice (one that works, even for busy people).
There is a deep recognition of our shared humanity within the NVC approach. We know we will undoubtedly get caught up in judgement or blame, say the wrong things and make mistakes and when this happens we turn that empathy on ourselves. Self-Empathy, the willingness to hold ourselves with compassion is absolutely vital as you delve into exploring this work. The ability to take care of our nervous system is a great place to start, and I share seven simple ways to soothe ourselves on the blog.
"Non-Violent Communication is based on the principle of Ahimsa - the natural state of compassion when no violence is present in the heart."
by Marshall Rosenberg, founder of NVC
NVC Model: a language for life
NVC is focussed on solution-seeking and working towards the needs of everyone involved being met. So we try to avoid guilt trips, coercion or dominating as a means of influence, but rather work towards sharing our feelings and making respectful requests as our way of working towards a shared positive outcome. Finding consensus on the way forward is key here, instead of what I often see, a kind of compromise where neither party is truly satisfied with the outcome.
Now that we understand some of the guiding attitudes of Non-Violent Communication and before we get into the process of how to structure a conversation in a way that avoids conflict and seeks resolution, let’s explore a few of the principles to bear in mind when preparing for a conversation.
“Essentially everyone is doing their best and trying to survive, even if the way it pans out is a little clumsy sometimes.”
- Karin Peeters -
The pillars of nvc
The Principles of Non-Violent Communication
Whenever we approach an interaction in a non-violent way, we prioritise connection first. Before we can even think about tackling the task at hand, those involved must have a level of warm, safe and empathic psychological connection. We aim to stay connected and open-hearted even when things get tricky.
As you may already know if you’ve read the blog on human needs, the concept of universal human needs is the padstone of Non-Violent Communication. We recognise that all of our behaviour, conscious or otherwise, is just an attempt to get our needs met and our values fulfilled and with this understanding we can make some sense of our own and others behaviour from a more compassionate and forgiving point of view.
“Essentially everyone is doing their best and trying to survive, even if the way it pans out is a little clumsy sometimes.”
When we can see things this way, it opens up the possibility of finding common ground, reducing blame and seeking solutions.
When looking at things through a non-violent lens we also recognise our Need for Contribution. Fundamentally we all benefit from contributing to the well-being of others so asking for our needs to be met and meeting the needs of others, is a core part of thriving in relationship.
Do you struggle to communicate your truth with loved ones or authority figures at work? Want to get all the tools to be confident and clear when you express yourself? Leave your details here for a free Discovery Call:
Avoiding Judgement to Avoid Conflict
A core component of any Non-Violent Communication is the absence, as far as humanly possible, of judgement. We actively avoid making judgements, but rather take a more considered view of actions and behaviours in light of whether they fulfil our needs and values. A subtle but very powerful distinction.
So for example rather than saying “eating meat is wrong” we might say “I value the life of animals so I prefer to avoid meat”. We also aim to not justify violence via judgements. So there is an absence of punitive punishment and a focus on education or restoration. If we judge all murderers as deserving of the death penalty for example, we justify the right to violence. Or if we judge our spouse or partner to be irrational, we might avoid attempting reasonable debate.
“My child is lazy…my boss is a bully…my partner is selfish…” all these are examples of judgements that can affect the way we show up with those people. Let’s try and leave these behind, shall we?
“I notice - I feel - I need - I request…”
The four steps of Non-Violent Communication
Now this may all sound a little too lofty so far to be practical, and admittedly the path to peace is not necessarily easy. One of the reasons I find NVC so helpful is that we can apply it fairly straightforwardly to our conversations by following a simple four step process that acts as a helpful guide. If we bear the above attitudes and principles in mind, particularly the one about Self-Empathy, and take a playfully curious approach, we can edge ourselves out of conflict and towards a more peaceful way of being as we learn over time. So let’s explore, shall we?
Step One - Observe
This is where we take a dispassionate lens to our experience and simply notice what is going on, without seeking to label it or make value judgements. When something happens that affects our sense of wellbeing our task here is to just observe the behaviour in as factual and kind way as possible.
So rather than saying “you’re so rude” it might be “I didn’t hear you say hello when I arrived” or rather than ‘my son is lazy’ it might be “Toby rarely gets his homework in on time’. “You never listen to me” becomes “I noticed you were focused on the TV when we were talking”. “What I say isn’t important to you” becomes, “when we were talking I noticed you changed the subject rather than responding to what I said”. This takes the heat out and sets the tone for a discussion that has more parity.
Step Two - Feelings
This step is about acknowledging and naming the emotions and physical sensations we are experiencing in the moment, based on what we observe.
The nuance here is that the focus is on our own internal experience rather than trying to label or interpret that through the lens of someone else and how they might be feeling. In NVC we practice saying “I feel defensive” versus “I feel that you’re angry with me”. Or “I feel unappreciated” rather than “I feel like you don’t care about me”.
Expressing ourselves in this way helps us take responsibility for our own internal landscape and avoid shifting blame or accountability to the other person. It also avoids fanning the flames of judgement or defensiveness in the other person and is much more likely to help them understand our point of view, whilst maintaining their own dignity and autonomy. For example “I feel you’re not listening to me” perhaps becomes something like “I feel frustrated and anxious”. The former is a personal interpretation or experience of the situation, while the latter are feelings that describe what is actually going on for you on the inside.
Another important distinction when it comes to expressing our feelings is to try and be as specific about the actual feeling as possible, rather than what we think or interpret about the feeling. We are aiming to avoid blame and triggering the other person into needing to defend themselves, or perhaps escape from the conversation entirely. It can be very easy to unconsciously throw around blame or judgement when trying to express our feelings. For example “When you didn’t show up on time the other night I felt like you’d abandoned me, or don’t care about me” might feel more loaded to the recipient than something like “When we didn’t meet at our agreed time, I felt worried and anxious, I needed to talk through some things on my mind before we met our friends”. Be mindful when using words like ignored, let down, used, betrayed, rejected, pressured etc as the other person can find it hard to continue listening as they feel attacked. Words like sad, alone, anxious, lonely might be more helpful to the conversation.
Expanding our range of words to describe your feelings can be so helpful at this step and I share more on this over on the blog:
Step Three - Needs
This, as we have said, is core to NVC work. The ability to discern in any given moment which of our needs, values or desires are or aren’t being met and articulate that clearly. When our needs are touched on, either by being met, or not, it naturally results in emotions arising, wanted or unwanted.
When we can identify which of our core needs and values are at play we can take more responsibility for our feelings, recognising that it’s not the external event or the other person that has triggered the feelings (resulting in judgement and blame), but rather we understand that it’s our deeper desire for our own well-being that is driving our emotional response. When we can express ourselves in this way it shows the other person that we aren’t blaming them, and are open to peaceful resolution.
We have begun to explore our fundamental human needs in another blog and that understanding gives us the perfect foundation to dig a little deeper into the work of NVC. Please have a read here to pin-point your own emotional needs if you haven’t already done so:
Step Four - Requests
This is where we state what we actually want the other person to do/say in to get our needs met. And the clue of how we phrase that is in the title, it’s a request, not a demand. It’s an invitation, not an obligation.
The more specific we can be with our requests by being clear about what we want, when we want it, who is involved and where should it happen, the better. It’s also key that it’s expressed in a positive way, conveying what we want, rather than telling the other person what we don’t want. So “I don’t want people to leave the dishes lying around” becomes “I’d like you Dan to put the dishes in the dishwasher after we’ve finished a meal”.
The request also needs to be doable, practical and within the realms of possibility for the person you are asking. Making wild unreasonable requests just builds ongoing frustrations and resentments and won’t enable future requests to be taken very seriously. So a quick sanity check “is what I’m asking actually within their capability?” can be really helpful here.
Examples of non-violent communication
Let’s explore a few examples of how we might frame an observation, feeling, need and request
Let’s imagine you’re preparing for friends to come to dinner. Your partner turns to you and says “This house is a mess, we have to tidy up now before the Jones’ get here and you’re just fretting away the time in the kitchen and getting in the way again”. I wonder how that would make you feel? Possibly hurt, unappreciated, anxious, frustrated (examples of emotions)? Can you hear the judgement, the demand that reduces your autonomy (an example of a need) and the closing statement that chips away at your sense of belonging (another example of a need)?
How much easier would it be for you to hear if it went something like: “I’m noticing that all the things from the weekend away are still piled up in the hall (an observation) and I’m feeling anxious about that (expression of feelings). I’d like it to be tidy and feel like we’ve made an effort for our friends (these are the needs). Are you able to help me clear the hall and put things away before they arrive (and that’s the request!)?”
It takes practise, but my goodness, imagine if we would all communicate like this! The world would be a different place.
OK, let’s do another example of the four steps of NVC.
Imagine your eldest has gone off to University. You spent a lot of time and effort settling them in, making sure they had everything they needed (which costed a fortune) and after keeping in touch for a few weeks you notice that they’ve just stopped calling and when you do manage to reach them on the phone, they can’t wait to get off and head out with their friends. It would be easy for an internal judgement to be made “they’re so selfish… they don’t need me anymore… our connection is broken…”. Those judgements would naturally create feelings of sadness, loneliness or grief, and as a result we may end up withdrawing and just not bothering to reach out to them anymore. Until the day they come home in the holidays with their bags of washing, and we take it out on them in frustration.
How would it be if the conversation on the phone went something like this: “I’ve noticed that we don’t speak as often as we used to now that you’re not living at home anymore. I’m sad about that and I miss you. Could we arrange a time to speak each week as I’d really love to stay connected to you, and share your new life at Uni?”
Step One - Observation: I’ve noticed that we don’t speak as often as we used to now that you’re not living at home anymore.
Step Two - Feelings: I’m sad about that and I miss you.
Step Three - Needs: I’d really love to stay connected to you, and share your new life at Uni.
Step Four - Request: Could we arrange a time to speak each week?
“Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand, and pronounce judgments rather than to be aware of what we are feeling and needing."
- Marshall B. Rosenberg -
NVC example at work
Let’s say you get repeatedly put on the spot at work. Your boss keeps singling you out in meetings and you feel angry and like you’re in trouble. It would be easy to stay silent, complain to colleagues afterwards, or say the wrong thing to your boss in a moment of frustration. Using the four steps of Non-Violent Communication it might go something like this:
Step One - Observation: “I notice in meetings lately you called on me first, and particularly with questions that don’t relate to my department.”
Step Two - Feelings: “I feel a sense of pressure when this happens and I’m concerned that I won’t be able to provide a helpful response.“
Step Three - Needs: “It’s important to me that I add value and feel part of the team.”
Step Four - Request: “Are you able to give me a heads up a day before the meeting if there are things you’d like me to weigh in on, so that I can prepare in advance?”
NVC: a language for life
Exploring Non-Violent Communication in your own life
If you’d like to explore this further you might like to take some time to reflect on a recent conversation that didn’t go so well. Imagine you had a do-over. Re-run the conversation in your mind with a birds eye view.
What did you observe happen?
How did that make you feel in the moment?
Were there any judgements you were making in that moment that influenced your behaviour?
What needs weren’t being met in yourself?
Can you empathise with what needs might not have been met in the other person?
What would you have asked for to support you in getting those needs met?
I hope you’ve found this exploration valuable and wish you thoroughly peaceful conversations. With a bit of practise, I am sure it will come more and more natural.
And can you use a little guidance, please reach out for a free Discovery Call, I’d love to hear from you!
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