You have needs - and they really matter!
Learn to recognise and voice your fundamental, emotional and human needs.
When our basic human emotional needs aren’t being met, particularly in relationships with a partner, family, friends and colleagues, it can easily lead to misunderstanding, conflict, and resentments building over time.
Today we will dive into understanding our universal human and emotional needs. Our needs and wants are not something needy or selfish. They represent what matters to us, our values and desires that bring us happiness and fulfilment.
How to use this post? Read through it slowly, recognising which needs resonate with you from the lists. Note the ones that are consistently met, and which ones are being neglected. Reflect on how to meet these needs better yourself, as a fundamental act of self-love, even if it’s just 1% more compared to before. And learn how you to express a respectful request to your loved ones to honour and contribute to these basic values and needs of yours, and extend the invitation for them to communicate their needs to you. Welcome to the world of non-violent communication, let’s make sure your needs are being met!
When our needs aren’t met…
In our close relationships when our emotional needs aren’t met it can erode trust, intimacy and our sense of connection. When we aren’t seen or heard in our emotional needs we can feel misunderstood, unappreciated and unloved, disconnected, anxious and frustrated.
Over time this can lead to increased stress, and a gradual decline in our mental and emotional well-being. It can cause us to grow apart.
When our needs are met…
When our emotional needs are satisfied, it makes it more likely that we experience the benefits of feeling seen, heard and valued in life. We can show up as more adventurous, engaged, loving, affectionate and playful. We can be more relaxed, content, curious, tender, interested and confident, all-in-all more warm, joyful and ultimately alive.
You have needs, and they really matter!
So let’s check in, How do you communicate during disagreements?
It’s interesting, when we are in conflict with someone, we have the tendency to tell them what we don’t like about them, or slightly kinder, what we don’t like about their behaviour.
We rarely mention what we need from them instead, how the lack of that need being met makes us feel, and what type of behaviour change we would appreciate from them. Today, we’ll learn just that!
Let’s begin with an everyday example of our needs not being met:
Imagine you’ve had a busy day at work, you come home, maybe via the school run, set straight to clearing the kitchen from the breakfast things left out in the morning’s rush, prep the dinner, make the packed lunches, play peacemaker for the kids while they argue over who gets control of the TV remote and finally sit down at the table with your grumbling family to eat the meal you’ve just lovingly (or possibly frantically) prepared. The kids groan about the veggies, squabble at the table and rather than the idyllic ‘little house on the prairie’ scene you were hoping for, it’s more like chimp feeding time at the zoo.
Meal done, kids rush to get up and get back to the Play Station, maybe your partner slinks away to the snug to catch up on a few emails and you're left holding the dishes, again... You stack the dishwasher in a noisy frustrated clatter of plates and pans and, as your eldest rushes in with yet another demand for your time and energy you vent passive aggressively into the air ‘are you the King and am I your servant or something?!…’ Your teenager shoots you a look, rolls their eyes and makes a quick exit out of the fray.
You’re left feeling frustrated, tired and wholly unappreciated [the words in italic express emotions]. Your efforts haven’t been seen, no help has been offered and you feel like you’re holding it all together on your own. You were tired the moment you stepped in the door, you needed support to share the daily load, to be acknowledged for having stuff of your own to do for which there never seems to be any time, and valued for the work you do tirelessly behind the scenes all day, every day, to keep things moving along for everyone else [the words in italic express needs].
In this blog we’ll learn to identify our core needs, recognise when they are not being met and explore how differently things might play out if we are able to make a clear expression of our feelings and voice a calm request of what we need… Enjoy reading!
“Starting to get a sense of our needs and desires is a great foundation for expressing ourselves more clearly to others.”
Karin Peeters
What do we mean by basic human needs?
The definition is “an essential list of elements that human beings necessitate in order to life a decent life”. They are the conditions we need to survive, and ultimately thrive. One field that has explored our human needs in-depth and developed an approach to working through the challenges in relationships in particular, is Non-Violent Communication (NVC). I’m so passionate about it as an approach, and you can explore Non-Violent Communication in more detail in another blog (currently in the writing!).
Part of the process of communicating non-violently requires us to both understand and be able to articulate our needs and desires in any given situation. But it starts with being able to express clearly how you feel. If you haven’t read the blog yet on how to expand your vocabulary with words that describe your feelings and emotions please do so by clicking this button:
How to meet your own emotional needs and those of your partner / family / friend / colleague…
Understanding and meeting our emotional needs in relationships
In the same way as it can be tricky to pinpoint what emotions are playing out for us, our core needs can also be a little illusive. Thankfully much work has been done to make this whole landscape much more straightforward to navigate.
It’s no surprise that we all have fundamental emotional / human needs and we go about life trying to get those needs met in order to both survive and feel good. It could be easy to assume that our needs are highly individual, based on circumstance and personal history, so it might surprise you to know that it is widely understood that human needs are universal. Regardless of our environment, social standing, culture and experience, when it comes down to it, we all need similar conditions to thrive and feel a sense of meaning in our lives.
Whilst the way we meet those needs may shift and change as cultures evolve, the roots of what feeds us remain constant and I find it incredibly helpful to develop a basic understanding of what the needs are of each of my individual Coaching and Therapy clients, so they can learn to articulate this to those they interact with.
By developing a shared understanding and mutual appreciation of our needs and the best conditions to meet them in ourselves and each other, we form the foundation of a society of co-operation, peacefulness and greater care. Our relationships can improve when we understand when our own needs aren’t being met, and learn how to express that in a clear and kind way.
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs & Tony Robbin’s Basic Human Needs
Psychology of Emotional Human Needs
Let’s begin with the famous Maslow’s hierarchy of needs which has at its base our psychological needs we can’t live without like air, food, water, shelter, warmth and rest. Once this need is fulfilled, we long for safety and security (health, employment, a roof above our head). The layer beyond is about connection and belonging (friendship, intimacy, connection). We then turn to universal needs related to our self-esteem like achievement, respect and recognition. At the top of the pyramid of needs we find self-actualization, the need to become our most authentic version of ourselves, our spiritual path, and meeting ones full potential. The higher needs only become a priority when needs lower down the hierarchy are satisfied.
Since Maslow identified his Pyramid of Needs, more nuanced emotional human needs have been researched and the following lists of Tony Robbins and Human Systems (see free downloadable pdf) encompasses the breadth of our emotional landscape:
Tony Robbins identified the following basic human needs:
Certainty
Variety
Significance
Love / Connection
Growth
Contribution
To help you identify your own needs, here is a useful pdf with examples of universal emotional needs. Enjoy exploring them, and notice which ones resonate for you at this time in your life:
Source: Human Systems, with gratitude.
NVC list of needs
The Non-Violent Communication list of universal human emotional needs
Marshall Rosenberg, an American Psychologist and mediator developed Non-Violent Communication (NVC) in the late 60’s as a way to more effectively resolve conflict. It’s often called a language of compassion. He built on the work of Max Neef, a Chilean economist who was concerned with how human needs drove the development of communities and identified nine categories of human needs and it is these I’d like to explore with you today.
In Non-Violent Communication it is understood that all emotional needs play a role in influencing our behaviour, our interactions and our reason for getting out of bed in the morning. When we communicate with our needs in mind we open the way for conflict resolution and deeper understanding.
Sustenance
This is our need for physical nourishment and well-being, our access to food, water and shelter. Sustenance is also necessary at an emotional level, the fundamental sense that we are seen, we are cared for and we matter. We can meet this need by sharing the physical necessities of food and drink together, by sharing responsibilities for the physical practicalities of life, like financial responsibility, or managing the home environment. Emotionally we can nurture this need by spending quality time together and caring in times of need.
Safety / Security
This is about our physical and emotional security. When this need is met we feel safe from harm or threat and can feel at ease. When we feel safe we are free to be vulnerable and express ourselves without fear of being judged, criticised or abandoned. When we don’t feel safe in relationships we can begin to distance ourselves or become defensive. To meet this need there needs to be a level of consistency and predictability where both partners can rely on each other.
Meeting this need requires physical safety and non-aggression, honest and open communication, plenty of emotional support and validation of feelings, emotional consistency, trust, reliability and a healthy respect for each other's boundaries. A safe environment allows us to develop fully.
LOVE / connection
This need speaks to our need for emotional closeness, care and affection. We might experience it as a sense of togetherness, warmth, tenderness, intimacy or passion. This need is expressed and satisfied through physical touch and emotional support and shared experiences where each person feels seen and valued for who they are. Expressions of verbal and physical affection, acts of kindness, spending quality time together are all ways of meeting this need. This need is about feeling accepted for who you are.
Empathy / understanding / Attention
This is our need to be seen, heard and understood at more than a superficial level. When this need is met we feel validated and without it, emotional intimacy is difficult to maintain. Ways of meeting this need include listening intently and with respect, acknowledging and empathising with feelings and perspectives (even when we don’t agree). It’s got to do with being able to truly talk to people and receive (and give) attention, a type of nutrition.
CREATIVITY / self-expression
This need encompasses our need for self-expression, exploration and innovation. It’s about individuality, non-conformity and imagination. Meeting this need in a relationship might involve supporting each other's passions and outside interests, engaging in shared creative activities and being playful and open to new ways of thinking and doing things.
Recreation
This is our need for relaxation, play and enjoyment. Taking time to have fun, unwind and get away from the pressure of work and responsibilities. Vital for keeping the bonds of relationship strong, shared fun and experiences create positive memories, reduce stress and balance out the grind with the good.
Particularly in long term relationships or couples with young families, the need for recreation can be pushed aside in favour of more pressing duties, but making time for relaxation and playfulness together helps meet this vital dual need.
Sense of belonging
This is our need to feel part of something bigger, a group or community where we are accepted and valued for who we are. Belonging is about our sense of place in society and feeling welcome. In romantic relationships in particular, if we don’t feel we belong it can be hard to get the emotional security we need for closeness and shared purpose. Without it we can feel isolated and alone, and our commitment can wane.
To build a sense of belonging with our partner or close family we need to foster equal participation in decision making, to make the effort to accept and validate each person's input and celebrate their differences as well as what we have in common. Showing our commitment helps to meet this need, so expressing that verbally or through acts of care and loyalty can strengthen the bonds of our relationships.
Autonomy / Privacy
We have a strong need as humans for independence, freedom of choice and the ability to direct the course of our own lives. This need is about having the space to make decisions and pursue goals that are in alignment with what we desire and find important. This need is about a healthy sense of control, that you get to make decisions about your own life. And that you feel you can be by yourself to reflect and consolidate experiences.
Meeting this need in a relationship can be challenging. Respecting the autonomy of our partner, giving them space to make their own decisions and follow their own unique interests and passions can be hard. If we can avoid controlling behaviour or overwhelming them with our own demands and instead respect their decisions, freedom and sense of individuality, then their need for autonomy will have air to breathe and room to grow.
Purpose / Meaning
This need stems from our desire to live a purposeful and fulfilling life. To meet this need we need to feel like our actions, relationships and experiences contribute to a deeper sense of significance and direction that matters to us. Meeting this need in a relationship involves sharing a sense of direction and contribution to each other's growth and learning, where the relationship provides connection that goes beyond the surface and each partner feels like they are part of something larger. Starting with shared values and a common vision can help meet this need in partnership. It’s about learning new things and being stretched in what we think and do.
Exploring your own emotional Human needs
Two transformative coaching exercises to do yourself at home
I’d invite you to consider the universal human needs lists above, and answer the questions below. You might like to look through the lens of your romantic relationship, or your wider family or career, perhaps just broadly for yourself.
Get a sense of which needs you feel are consistently met in your life.
Which needs aren’t being met?
What could you do to help meet that need for yourself?
What might you appreciate from others?
Starting to get a sense of your needs and desires is a great foundation for the Non-Violent Communication process that we will be exploring in another blog.
When you want to take your exploration further, you can look at exploring your own needs during conflict:
Consider a recent frustrating interaction with a friend or intimate partner that didn’t go so well. Note down for yourself what happened in the interaction.
How did it feel?
Can you identify the underlying need in you that wasn’t being met at the time?
What about from their point of view… what do you think they were seeking and which need of theirs would that have fulfilled?
What could you have done differently to meet your own or your partner's needs at that time?
I hope you have enjoyed exploring the fundamental human needs that drive and sustain you, and how having an intimate understanding of your needs is crucial to being able to communicate in a way that fosters greater potential for resolution of conflict, cooperation and harmony.
When you gain greater conscious awareness of your needs, you can enjoy life with greater autonomy and ease. You can begin to make sense of your innate impulses and learn to respond to life with less reactivity and more thoughtfulness.
