Assertiveness: speaking up for yourself with assertive, yet compasssionate communication
Is being assertive something you identify with or do you find it somewhat illusive and wish there were occasions when you could muster a bit more of that ‘oomf’ of conviction? Let’s dive into the world of compassionate assertiveness and find your voice.
Assertiveness is undoubtedly an often much coveted strength - something that can help us speak up for ourselves, set healthy boundaries, and navigate both personal and professional relationships with clarity. Yet, for many of us, it feels daunting. Even those of us living relatively successful lives with perhaps accomplished careers can struggle to make our voices heard and particularly for those of us with demanding care giving responsibilities, the pressure to remain composed and accommodating can easily drown out the voice of our own needs.
Assertiveness isn’t just a skill to master; it is a deeply relational communication practice rooted in self-compassion, courage, and clarity.
Today I want to explore the challenges of a lack of assertiveness, particularly for those of us looking to engage with life a little more deeply than the superficial. I’ll examine the underlying fears and psychological blocks that often make assertiveness feel like a near impossibility. I’m hoping that as we explore we will come to understand how assertiveness is not only a beneficial life skill in our daily doings for ourselves, but also has the capacity to transform our relationships with others for the better. I know there is a way to embrace authentic assertiveness with compassion and care, so we can speak up in a way that honours both our own needs and those of others. Let’s explore, shall we?
What does assertiveness mean - a Definition
Understanding Assertiveness: What It Is and Why It Matters
At its core, assertiveness is the ability to express our thoughts, feelings, and needs in a clear, direct, and respectful manner, without feeling guilty or defensive. It’s a balance between passivity (suppressing your needs) and aggression (violating others' boundaries). Assertiveness empowers us to communicate our truths, protect our time, and preserve our well-being.
But why does it matter so much? At its deepest level, being assertive is an act of self-agency. It is the declaration of our boundaries, the protection of our energy, and the assertion of our right to exist and be respected in the world. When we are assertive, we practice self-respect. Modelling that for ourselves also unlocks the capacity to be wholly more compassionate towards others, it can be really powerful.
I’d like to learn to be more assertive, let’s have a call for one-to-one sessions:
“To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself. And to trust that there is enough, that you are enough.”
Edith Eva Eger
Lack of assertiveness
The Fear Behind Assertiveness: Psychological and Biological Barriers
But if assertiveness is so essential, why is it so hard for many of us to speak up? For those of us that find ourselves under pressure with competing demands of others, assertiveness may be hindered by a deeply ingrained fear of conflict, judgment, or rejection.
These fears can often stem from childhood experiences or traumatic events, shaping our nervous system to react with hesitation or avoidance when it comes to standing our ground. I explore a little more about the roots and impact of our childhood experience in my post about Transactional Analysis and Life Scripts.
As a brief recap, in Transactional Analysis, a theory developed by Eric Berne, the Parent-Adult-Child model (PAC Model) explains how our early relationships can form patterns of behaviour that influence our interactions as adults. If we were often told to be quiet or to defer to others, our "Inner Child" might feel unsafe asserting our needs in adulthood, while our "Inner Punitive Parent" might internalize these fears, resulting in a voice inside our own head that tells ourselves to shut up, thereby reinforcing the belief that we shouldn’t make waves.
The Polyvagal Theory, developed by Stephen Porges, also offers a biological explanation. When our nervous system perceives threat, it can trigger the freeze response, where we become immobilised, unable to speak or act. This freeze response can be a survival mechanism, especially in situations that remind us of past trauma (with a small or big “T”) or overwhelming circumstances.
All of this adds up to a picture of walking through the world slightly ‘less than’ what we might really be capable of. At the extreme either continually looking for threats and modifying our behaviour to stay safe, or at the other end simply playing a little too small in order to stay comfortable.
“The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behaviour affect the rights and well-being of others.”
Sharon Anthony Bower
Speaking up for yourself as an act of self-love
Assertiveness as an act of compassion
Assertiveness can often be viewed as a way to ‘assert over’ another person in order to achieve our own outcome, to have our say regardless, and to hold a position of greatest power. But there is a more helpful lens I find to view the behaviour of assertion that opens the way for far more healthy relationships both with ourselves and others.
We don’t have to perceive assertiveness as a personal victory. It can be something that is both a gift to ourselves and the other person in the interaction. When we are able to express ourselves with clarity and respect, we model healthy communication for others. It creates a space where all voices are heard, where mutual respect is the foundation of every interaction and that can be incredibly powerful.
We aim to find consensus, not compromise. In a compromise, we both lose out on something. When we are able to find consensus, there is a Middle Way in which we are both fully content.
In Buddhism, there is a deep emphasis on right speech - speaking with kindness, truth, and compassion. To aim for non-harm with our words, and where possible to use our voice with integrity, with the aim to be of benefit to oneself and others. The Buddha teaches us that our words have power, and when we speak the truth from a place of compassion, we benefit not only ourselves but others as well. Assertiveness, when rooted in compassion, is an act of deep care for both ourselves and those we are in conversation with. It’s a path of honouring our needs while also contributing to the well-being of the collective.
Assertiveness: Skills, Behaviours and Techniques
Principles of Assertive Communication: “Loving Assertion”
So we understand that assertiveness is not about being forceful or domineering. It’s about being honest, clear, and respectful and I find it immensely helpful when encountering a scenario when I feel it necessary to express my needs to bear in mind some key principles of what I like to frame as “Loving Assertion”.
When we find ourselves in a situation where a more assertive approach is needed I begin with the foundation of RESPECT. Firstly for myself and my own needs and equally for the other. I’m not interested in forcing my way, but rather bringing a sense of CLARITY to the interaction that opens up the space of more choice. To be truly and lovingly assertive I need to be clear of my own thoughts, my own feelings, and crucially my needs.
If you’d like more support on identifying feelings and emotional needs you might like to take a look at my previous blogs. The words I choose to use when being genuinely assertive also need to be clear, no room for ambiguity or misinterpretation, and I ask myself what is the simplest more honest and straight forward way I can express what I need to say?
For assertiveness to be loving it must in my view come from a place of deep EMPATHY. A recognition that we all have unique needs and desires. And so part of being genuinely assertive involves the acknowledgment of those needs in others, and giving them equal weight to my own.
Finally, for loving assertiveness to land it really needs to be AUTHENTIC. I must find my truth first in order to be able to speak it and that authenticity is what fosters trust and respect in our relationships.
“Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?”
- Rumi -
There are undoubtedly countless scenarios when we would have liked to have been more assertive; perhaps when we feel railroaded into making a decision too quickly, when someone inadvertently crosses a boundary we might not have articulated, when we would like our words to our children or partner to land with a little more authority.
I find it helpful to have a framework to follow that when given a little preparation up front can help lead my communication in a more assertive direction.
speaking up for yourself
Five Steps to more Assertive Communication
Clarify Your Feelings
Taking time to recognise and understand your own feelings is an invaluable first step before speaking up. If you’re wanting to challenge some unhelpful behaviour for example, understanding for yourself what it was about the interaction that left you feeling upset, frustrated, disappointed, shut down, angry etc is worth delving into. What was the unmet need in you that created that emotion, and how did it really make you feel?
Use “I” Statements
Taking responsibility is one of the aspects of assertive behaviour that for me unlocks confidence. When I can model taking responsibility rather than accusing or blaming others, it not only disarms the potential backlash but offers a structure for the other person to follow in the interaction. So rather than expressing frustration in an unassertive accusatory way “You never help me” and choosing instead “I feel overwhelmed when this, this and this is on my plate” , we are making a statement of fact and honouring our feelings rather than a statement of blame that simply invites conflict.
State Your Needs Clearly
Be specific about what you need or want. Vague requests often lead to misunderstandings and one of the hall markers of assertive communication is absolute clarity. This of course requires a little introspection, what exactly do you want from this interaction? What is the unmet need here? Being as specific as possible can be helpful in getting those needs eventually met, what are you asking for?
Invite a Specific Behaviour Request
Frame the way the other can meet your unmet need as an invitation to step into, not as a demand. And word it as a specific request for a certain behaviour. We all have the tendency to say what we don’t want the other to do, but to ask for what we really want instead is at times more complicated to articulate. So instead of saying “don’t be late”, to invite the other by first stating our needs “it matters to me to be on time, it makes me feel we are respecting the hosts and I don’t like the stress of last minute travel”, and then asking for the specific behaviour “could you please be ready 10 minutes before we are due to leave?”. They then have the option to refuse your request, which then leaves you to decide what you want to do it that case. That’s maybe something for another blog! But you could leave by yourself on time, or next time go by public transport on your own so the journey is peaceful and you arrive at the agreed time. This might bring up a lot of discomfort, but this is where boundaries meet real life.
Set Boundaries with Compassion
For us to be Lovingly Assertive we need to be clear, to be kind and firm, to be fair and avoid any harsh sentiment. Whilst we absolutely don’t need to fall into making excuses or justifying our needs or behaviour it can be helpful to recognise that when people have context for a request or a boundary it can make it easier to accept. Why do you feel the need to set this boundary, and what could you say to communicate that so you bring people along with you, rather than just simply putting a full stop on something?
Common Barriers to Assertiveness
Even with an understanding of the process of assertive communication it’s not always easy to follow through. We can still struggle to speak up or have our voice heard due to fear - fear of rejection, fear of conflict, or fear of judgment. When we layer over dynamics such as race, sexual orientation or gender we can appreciate that there might be societally generated expectations that lead some of us to downplay our own needs ‘in favour’ of others.
We might find it tricky to assert ourselves simply through lack of practice. It is a skill that works like a muscle, the more we practice the more it builds and if we are compassionate with ourselves as we find opportunities to play and experiment, to fail and learn we can build that skill in a gentle and more life-affirming way.
There may of course be deeper barriers to showing up for ourselves in an assertive way, for example due to past traumatic experiences that have left us with a heightened sensitivity to perceived threat is fairly common. Again, when we give ourselves the grace to work with what is available to us in the moment, and to reach out for support in healing past wounds, we can begin to claim more of our rightful authority, gently and over time.
If you’d welcome some practical tools and techniques for overcoming some of these barriers then you might like to dip your toe into some of the following assertive communication skills.
Skills for How to speak up for yourself
Overcoming Barriers to Assertiveness: Practical Tips and Tools
Grounding Techniques: Assertiveness is as much about what you do as how you feel in yourself. Getting familiar with what it feels like to be grounded, calm and in a well-regulated state as far as your nervous system goes can be invaluable. Practicing grounding exercises, breathing and centering practices where you can build familiarity with that place of calm can help avoid the freeze/flight response and enable you to access your logical brain in those situations when it matters most.
Mindfulness: How often have you come away from an interaction wishing you’d been able to say something different in that moment, wishing it had occurred to you that something wasn’t quite right and you wish you’d been able to speak up? Cultivating an awareness of our thoughts and feelings in real-time can make a huge difference to our ability to be present, moment-by-moment aware and responsive, rather than reactive. Practicing mindfulness helps us recognise when we might be starting to feel overwhelmed or silenced, and give us the space to respond intentionally rather than react automatically.
Start Small And Give Yourself Grace: Assertiveness is a skill that grows with practice. Begin by setting small, achievable boundaries in low-risk situations and gradually work your way up to more challenging conversations all the while giving yourself plenty of gentle compassion when things might not go quite according to plan. There is no failure, just learning and adopting that attitude I find works wonders for me.
Find your voice
An invitation for more Loving Assertiveness
I see assertiveness as more than just a practical tool for high functioning humans, it is a spiritual practice of honouring our inner voice with compassion. By asserting our needs and boundaries with respect and clarity, we can open up the space for others to do the same. As we each do this in our own authentic, empathic and compassionate way, we can, I believe, contribute to a whole more harmonious and empathetic world.
As the Dalai Lama teaches, “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible”. So my invitation today is that we all practice speaking from a place of love, both for ourselves and for others and let’s see where that takes us.
Having said all this, please be kind and gentle with yourself and practise with “easier” options first. No need to throw yourself in the deep end and feel panicky. We also don’t walk into a gym and start lifting the biggest weights first. Build up your assertiveness muscle slowly, and you might end up loving ‘the work-out’!
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