Overcoming self-doubt: cultivating compassion and confidence to overcome the silent saboteur that holds so many of us back
There are times when even the most confident of us struggle with self-doubt, when, despite our best efforts, that little voice in our heads shows up and chips away at our confidence, sowing those niggling seeds of uncertainty, anxiety and misgiving.
Many very competent professionals I work with find themselves occasionally or even much of the time, feeling like an imposter at work, they struggle to make decisions or have difficulty trusting their instincts because self-doubt and overthinking is so pervasive.
Self-doubt can be paralysing. It can make us feel inadequate in our relationships, hold us back from pursuing what we really want, and ultimately the lack of self-esteem can hold us back from realising our potential. It can create an internal battle between who our doubting mind tries to convince us we are vs our aspirations of who we really want to be.
So where does self-doubt come from, and how do we overcome it in a way that doesn’t put us in an endless battle within ourselves? Let’s explore the roots of self-doubt, how our neurobiology comes into play and four simple steps to developing a kinder, more compassionate inner voice.
what is Self-doubt: Meaning and causes
What is at the root of self-doubt?
What are the causes of this common blight on our psyche? How do our formative years impact on our sense of Self? And what is the crucial role our neurobiology plays in holding us in unhelpful patterns of self-doubt and self-sabotage? Let’s dive in!
The meaning or definition of self-doubt is connected with a sense of indecisiveness, the lack of trust and faith in ourselves and our abilities, and the absence of confidence to do what we want and need to do.
The seeds of self-doubt are often sown young, in our early childhood experiences when our perception of who we are and what we are capable of is first sown in how others respond to us.
Transactional Analysis is an effective therapeutic approach which teaches us so much about how this early sense of Self is formed and how our Life Scripts are written under the age of seven. I explore this in more detail in my posts on the Parent-Adult-Child Model and Life Scripts, if you’d like to explore the early foundations of our self-esteem (or lack of it…) in more depth:
Where does self-doubt come from?
Let’s look at the reasons for our self-doubt, and how to deal with them
When our fundamental human needs for love, belonging and safety are consistently met then we benefit from a positive imprint that continues to unfold throughout life. It’s rarely the case however that we are able to be consistently held and met with the warmth, love and compassion that we need to form a truly robust and confident identity. Maybe a primary care-giver was aggressive, alcoholic or absent. But it can also be a more subtle experience of having to please to feel safe, experiencing a pressure to perform, or feeling invisible because a parent was occupied with a sick sibling, grief, migraines or the finances.
The result? We can carry a Life Script or limiting belief that tells us we are unworthy, incapable or not quite good enough. Our Life Script is essentially a subconscious narrative that we carry with us that is shaped by our early interactions with our parents or main care givers. We might internalise stories of being too sensitive, too much or not enough. When these messages of rejection, abandonment or unworthiness remain unchallenged they become the backdrop for our adult self-doubt, and it can be crippling. Particularly when so much of this is taking place in our unconscious mind and playing out beneath our present awareness.
Exploring these underlying reasons for our self-doubt is not about accusations or blame towards our primary care-givers. They did what they could at the time. Yet a sense of justified anger might arise, which is very therapeutic. As a child it can feel unsafe to be angry with our parents, and then anger has the tendency to turn inwards against the Self in the form of self-doubt and shame. So allowing anger towards our care-givers to arise during the sessions helps clear our psyche from these internalised messages, it helps to set healthy boundaries and builds a new foundation of self-reliance.
"In order to overcome self-doubt, we have to meet the vulnerable part of ourselves that is frightened of being hurt again. When we reassure and strengthen that vulnerable part in us with compassion, the doubt no longer needs to protect and will be set free."
- KARIN PEETERS -
Self-doubt: An example
Let’s imagine the scenario of a yoga teacher. They may be extremely accomplished, have years of practice behind them, have studied and diligently applied themselves to their spiritual path and feel deeply called to help others live a happier life. And yet there is a constant niggling question of whether they are ‘good enough’ to do this work.
It may have been that in their childhood their feelings were rarely validated, and that they were taught their own needs should come second to everyone else's. This has greatly influenced their ability to be aware of the unmet emotions in others, and fuelled their desire to ‘help’ as they know so well what it is like to feel unseen. But it also leaves a risk of burn-out due to ignoring their own needs and a residue of resentment as they keep giving, but their own cup feels empty. As a result, the inner voice of doubt leaves them to overthink their own truth, second guess their decisions and undermine their own practice, despite their obvious diligence and wonderful talents.
Uncovering the Life Script at play and consciously seeking to re-write it helps us to define a wholly more positive narrative inside of our own head!
Knowing our brain: Default mode network (DMN)
What thoughts arise when our brain is at rest?
The way our brains are wired, particularly the Brains Default Mode Network (DMN) plays a big role in the unconscious playing out of anxiety, overthinking and self-doubt.
The brain’s default network is the part of our brain that runs our experience when we aren’t otherwise engaged or consciously focussed on a task. It's the part of our brain that activates when we click into daydreaming mode, and when our mind wanders or ruminates. Whilst it can be an incredibly useful ally in creative thinking and problem solving, if the place the DMN returns to when at rest is the shelter of negative rumination, limiting beliefs and self-doubt it can hinder our ability to feel calm, to be confident and to trust our own instincts.
The DNM is the breeding ground for our automatic thoughts, those that run in the background when we aren’t paying attention. If there is a detritus of unresolved emotions, anxieties or worries in the depths of our unconscious mind, those thoughts are dredged up and can muddy the waters when we take a pause.
This is why in those quiet moments when we aren’t distracted by the busyness of life we can be plagued by thoughts of “I’m not good enough”, self-blame or worries about being discovered as being a fraud or imposter, just to name a few.
If we can bring more moment-by-moment awareness to what our brain is doing and how our thoughts are drifting we can recognise when the DMN is running the show. This gives a window of opportunity to interrupt the negative thought patterns before they spiral downwards.
Using mindful practices, grounding exercises and practices that cultivate more conscious awareness have supported my clients in overcoming the unconscious habits that fuel our self-doubt, and build a firmer foundation for confidence, resilience and self-esteem.
Drawing on the work of Sarah Peyton
Cultivating a positive self-witness as an antidote to self-doubt
Sarah Peyton, a peer in my field, is an expert in the neurobiology of relationship and speaks profoundly about the importance of working with our Default Mode Network to cultivate a “Positive Self Witness”. This Self Witness is an inner voice that speaks to us warmly and with compassion, in a way that a loving early caregiver would have done in an ideal world (similar to the Nurturing Parent in the Parent-Adult-Child Model). It is a voice that instead of judging us becomes our own internal mentor and best friend. When we cultivate a loving, kind and understanding Self Witness that we can deeply resonate with we create an internal environment that is liberated from self-doubt and criticism, but rather nourishes us towards growth and potential.
A positive internal voice is the antidote to self-doubt but cultivating this may seem easier said than done. How do we go about it?
“When we move toward compassion, the neural circuits of safety and connection are activated in our brain, and we can begin to heal our self-doubt and inner critical voice.”
- Sarah Peyton -
how to stop self-doubt
How to develop a kinder, more compassionate internal voice?
I don’t know about you but I can certainly remember times, particularly in my early days as a therapist when before meeting a client for the first time I’d experience that wave of self-doubt… ”What if I can’t help them, what if I haven’t studied enough about the particular challenge they are facing, what if they don’t think I’m good enough, what if I don’t know what to say…?” It can be really crippling and distracting from the present moment! In my case it took experience, building up hours of client sessions and gathering ‘evidence’ that my therapeutic skills were making a difference for people. Receiving wonderful reviews helped too! And today I know in my bones that I an an excellent therapist. I wish the same level of confidence for you, whatever the area you need it in. Here are four steps that might help to build a kinder inner voice:
Step one: awareness
When we become aware of when and how doubting thoughts in the mind show up, we can begin to meet them in a new way. It all starts with noticing them first, catching those thoughts in the moment and listening to what that critical voice is trying to tell us.
Step two: acceptance of our emotions
Once we capture the thoughts, we can connect with how these thoughts make us feel. As with all difficult or unwanted feelings, the ability to acknowledge and accept their existence without judging or seeking to change them is the first step to loosening their vice-like grip on our consciousness.
step three: turning towards ourselves with kindness
Imagine you are the most nurturing and encouraging of parents to yourself. What words of reassurance and kindness would you choose? What tone would those words be delivered in? What is it that the doubting, anxious child within yourself would most need to hear? What would help to alleviate the feelings you discovered in the previous step?
Taking a moment to be still and settle yourself, maybe placing a reassuring hand on your own heart while you internally or aloud verbalise that reassuring encouragement to yourself.
Step four: Practice, Practice, Practice
Replacing the internal voice that sows self-doubt with a voice that builds our confidence can take some time to develop. A new way of talking to ourselves emerges the more often we attend to this practice with loving-kindness, and the easier it becomes. With time, a kind internal dialogue can and will become more familiar.
Positive affirmations to silence self-doubt
Let’s have a list of positive affirmations to boost your self-esteem in your pocket at any time, so you can gently but firmly remind your inner critic that not everything it says it true. See which one resonates with you, or create your own personal self-esteem mantra:
I am allowed to make mistakes and not be perfect
I am doing what I can
I am doing my best
I am always learning, growing and developing, and this is something to be proud of
Regardless of my level of achievements, I deserve kindness and respect
Even though I am not yet free from self-doubt and fear, I am wonderful just the way I am
I choose to speak to the anxious part of me with reassurance and words of encouragement
I am enough
I am capable of doing what I want
I believe in myself
If you feel there are deeper roots to your self-doubt and that you would welcome some support to address those underlying reasons and increase your confidence, you might like to consider working with a Therapist or Coach. I’m here to support any time and I’d love to hear from you.
